A Peculiar guy named Geremy

Archive2005

Merry Procrastination

M

Dear Man in Blue Dodge Durango with New York Plates,

Christmas was six days ago. Not one day ago, not four days ago. Six…just like that girl on the early-90’s hit TV show, “Blossom.” Since Christmas took place 6/7 of a week ago, there is no need to tote that brand new Christmas tree on your roof.

You probably thought that you could be slick and get the Christmas tree for 66% off if you got it 85.714% of a week later, but the effect isn’t the same. In case you were wondering, your kids weren’t crying because they didn’t get a robosapien toy, they were crying because they didn’t have a Christmas tree for Santa to put the gifts under on Christmas morning.

Would you like it if I gave you a birthday present six days after your birthday? Oh you would? Well your opinion doesn’t count because you buy Christmas trees 3/10 of a month AFTER Christmas!

You may be wondering why I’m being so harsh on you. It’s because when I drove parallel to your car on route 287 to give you the “have you no shame” look, you gave me a weird smirk like I was the one toting the post-Christmas tree on my roof.

So there you have it, Mr. “I buy Christmas trees 6 days after Christmas and strap them to the top of my Blue Dodge Durango with New York License Plates.” You know exactly what the guy in the gold Altima was thinking when he was attempting to look into your dark, procrastinating soul. I’ll probably see you in Times Square on January 6, 2006, as you wait for the ball to drop to celebrate the New Year.

With Warm Regards,

Geremy F.

Look At His Shoes!

L

Merry Christmas and all that other good stuff.

Among the things that I got for Christmas were these sneakers:

Air Force One Tuxedos

and these

Air Force One Christmases

and they join the company of these

Air Force One Grey Suede I got 3 pairs of the same type of sneaker because these will be my official sneaker for 2006.

I’m not going to go down the list of things that I got for Christmas, but it’s safe to say that tomorrow I will be treating myself with all of the things that I wanted but didn’t get. Stay tuned.

Where are you Going with that Bagel?!

W

I went to a bagel shop the other day and asked for….well…..a bagel. I would usually get a bagel with butter, but this time I thought I’d splurge and get one with cream cheese.

The man behind the counter took the bagel and went in the back to apply the cream cheese. Less than half a minute later, he returned with the bagel fully wrapped and good to go. I paid for my meal and lifted the bag to leave. I noticed that the bag was heavier than normal, but thought nothing of it.

1 Ton Cream Cheese

I got into the car and unwrapped the bagel to eat piece before driving off and I figured out the reason that the bag weighed 10lbs. Wedged between the two bagel halves was enough cream cheese to cover my entire body with a layer at least 1 inch thick, and I do not have a small body. There was enough cream cheese between those two helpless bagel pieces to serve as epoxy for two lifetimes. There was so much cream cheese between the miniscule-in-comparison bagel slices, that it must’ve taken 5 cows to produce it all. I could’ve fed an entire 3rd-world country for a month on the amount of cream cheese that I was given. Simply put, eating that bagel would have made my arteries harder than a triple-reinforced steel beam.

I wiped off all of the cream cheese in between the bagel and put it in a plastic bag in my back seat. With all of the cream cheese gone I was able to eat most of the bagel, but there was still one problem. My car’s acceleration was abnormally low and I felt the back of my car dragging. I pulled aside on the highway and checked to see if I had a flat tire, but my tires were fine. What was not fine, however, was my rear suspension. The rear shocks were having a hard time maintaining the correct height for the back of the car.

Before calling AAA, I started to clean up my back seat so the tow truck driver wouldn’t think that I’m a complete slob. I filled plastic bags with empty water bottles, bank deposit forms, and all other forms of garbage from the back seat and threw them away. I was satisfied with the condition of the back seat, except for one thing: a plastic bag with cream cheese chunks in it. I picked the bag off the ground and went to throw it away when I realized that the back of my car wasn’t dragging anymore. The culprit was the 94 ton bag of cream cheese.

Imagine if that cream cheese made it into my body

Get Out of My Car!

G

After the allnighter on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, I badly needed sleep, but I also needed to study. I kept wanting to go in my deliciously, delightful, luscious, scrumptious, divine, appetizingly comfortable bed while studying, and I found myself focusing on how a 15 minute nap would give me the feeling of ecstasy that I needed on a stressful Thursday morning.

I made an agreement with myself that if I could make it to the school parking deck in 13 minutes, I will be allowed to take a 10 minute nap in the car. Sleep was my most important asset at the time, so I sped to school and made a 24 minute ride take 9 minutes. If you were in my path on Thursday morning…sorry.

I parked the car in a dimly lit parking space, turned off the car, locked the doors, quickly set my alarm in my phone to wake me up in 10 minutes and I dozed off to take the best power-nap ever. I dreamt the best stuff on earth: milk and cookies, warm sand sliding through the gaps between your toes, a closet full of air forces, the magic carpet featured in the Disney hit movie “Aladdin” and best of all, a snow shower on a hot summer day. The 10 minute nap seemed to fly by and I wanted to turn….turn back the hands of time. The fun was almost over.

Just then, I heard someone in my passenger seat start to yell, “IIIIIIIIIIIIT’S ME! KIIIIIID CAPRI! PICK UP YO’ T-MOBILE SIDEKICK, MAN!” I didn’t even bother to open my eyes, I just started swinging. How’d he get inside my car?! I know that I locked the doors! When I finally stopped swinging at the air, I opened my eyes and noticed that I was still the only one in the car…and my phone was yelling at me.

I realized that I, in a sleepy stupor, set my phone alarm to one of the default ringtones, which in-turn woke me up and caused my heart to beat like the drumline in the Syracuse University marching band.

After an experience like that, I was unable to concentrate. I just sat there amazed for the next 1/2 hour, as I pressed my 30 pages of studysheets against my head to absorb the information via an endothermic transfer.

First Time Window Shopping

F

To get my mind off of the stresses of exam week, I went to the mall to “window shop.” I’ve never window shopped before, so I was not aware of the two most important rules in the bestselling Window Shopping for Dummies book:

1. NEVER carry cash, credit, debit, money orders, travellers checks, rupees, yen, or any other form of currency.
2. Regardless of what your mind tells you, don’t buy anything!!

As soon as I went into the mall, my brain immediately started to send the message “BUY STUFF, YO” to the rest of my body. I was able to fight the feeling in the first few stores, but then I started to compromise when I went into the hat store.

As many of you know, I have a weak spot in my heart for hats. Having a different [NewEra] fitted cap to match every single outfit down to the last thread is my life goal and I will not rest until I am victorious. Right now my collection is down to around 45 hats, but my head is growing at a rapid pace (thanks to my huge brain), which means that most of my hats need to be replaced by bigger sizes.

New Hat (2)

New Hat

When I saw these 2 hats on the shelf, all of my willpower to resist spending money went out the window and I made the purchase. Afterwards, I thought that the spending spree was over, but it was just the beginning.

New MP3 Player

For some crazy reason, I started to convince myself that I needed a blue mp3 player. Why blue? I have no idea, but it made perfect sense at the time. Before I went home, I stopped by Best Buy and bought the first blue MP3 player that I saw. It was small, decent looking, and blue so I got it. But then when I was heading to the register to pay, I noticed an external hard drive. Once again, I started to convince myself that I needed the hard drive to live, so I bought it also.

When I headed home with 4 bags full of the result of my lack of self-discipline, I realized the mistake that I made. What began as an innocent browsing experience ended up as a shopping spree. Now the hard part is figuring out a way to tell my family members that my christmas-gift spending money went towards buying things for myself. Selfish, selfish Geremy.

Disclaimer: I actually got my Christmas shopping done weeks ago, so don’t bother making voodoo dolls out of me because of my “lack of compassion.”

New External Hard Drive

Held Hostage by a Door Knob

H

I’m not posting this entry because I want to, but because I have to.

I’m stuck inside of my bedroom because the door from my room cannot be opened from the inside. Early last week I noticed that the lock was going to cause a problem for me, so I went to The Home Depot and bought a new one. I put the lock on my kitchen table and intended to install it the following day. My mom, thinking that the sealed, shiny, unopened lock was garbage, threw the lock away and put the trash at the side of the road. This has got to be a conspiracy!

Right now it is 4:30 am and I just woke up from a 9 hour “nap,” but I can’t leave my room because I’m locked in. I can’t try to escape through the window because the house alarm is activated, and I can’t yell for someone to open the door because everyone is sleeping, so I am forced to spend my time writing this entry.

WWMD – What would McGuyver do??

Merry Shopping!

M

In America, today is the biggest shopping day of the year, dubbed “Black Friday” because of all the black eyes people get while fighting to save $3 on a 8 inch black and white TV. If you are one of those people who woke up at 4am and camped out at the front door of Best Buy with your cordless electric heater and your MP3 player, don’t feel ashamed because two years ago, I was just like you.

The year was 2003 and I wanted to get in on a $100 rebate on a video card for my computer. I woke up at 4:30am, drove 20 minutes to Best Buy and stood outside…in the rain…without a jacket…without my dignity. When the store opened at 7, my position in line didn’t matter because of the horde of people who appeared out of nowhere and sprinted to the front of the line. While trying to squeeze through the front door, a lot of toes were stepped on, a lot of people were hit by carts, and I think a few lives were lost, but none of this was going to prevent me from getting my video card.

Since I knew the store like the back of my hand, I took a shortcut and ended up being the first one at the computer service counter where they stashed the video cards. Just as the worker handed me the video card box, a woman dove and snatched it out of his hands as if the life of her first born child was in danger if she didn’t get it. Best Buy was a complete madhouse, so I wanted to quickly leave the store after I got my video card, but there was one LONG thing stopping me from gaining freedom…the line.

The nine gillion person line started at the front of the store and went through every isle of the refrigerators, into the office furniture section, into the car electronics section, through the home theater section, between the aisles of the phone section, down the aisle of the computer accessories and straight to the service desk. It took me around 3 hours to get to the front of the line and when I finally got to the cashier, the prepubescent 15 year old boy badgered me about getting an extended-service plan.

After all of the trouble that I went through to get the video card, I was never able to send in the rebate because I never found a stamp.

This year, just like year in the past, I have put my Christmas List online to assist you in your shopping endeavors this season. Since I’ve been regarded as “greedy” for never having any cheap items on my list, I expanded my horizons and added something for every budget. You, too, can make a Geremy happy this season.

I would like to give thanks for: My Cooking Skillzzzzzzz

I

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I hope that your day was filled with the joyous consumption of our formerly feathered friends.

Unlike previous Thanksgivings, I decided to honor the people in my family with the pleasure of being able to taste the many masterpieces that I am able to create in the kitchen. While my mom started making the turkey (cooking it, not giving birth to it) I made the potato salad. I used a ruler and my award-winning precision to cut each potato block into perfect 5cm x 5cm squares so that there would be an equal ratio of potato-ey goodness in every bite. If I had to summarize the potato salad in one word, it would be mind-blowingly-mackadocious.

Since I mastered the art of the potato salad, I went on to make a macaroni pie. I grated the cheese ever so gently, and made sure that only the finest cheeses made it into the pie. The macaroni pie took a lot of time to make, but it was worth every second of my time.

I had some spare time after the pie and I wanted to try my hand at dessert, so I tried to bake a cake, but just like my past endeavors with baking, the cake didn’t turn out so well. I don’t know what happened. I followed the instructions on the box, put in exactly enough ingredients, but my cake still ended up tasting like flour, wood and a 9 volt battery.

Thanksgiving as a whole went well for the family. The five of us sat at the table and filled our plates with the many pounds of food that was laid out on the table. Personally, I packed my plate with everything (except the cholesteroleriffic lasagna) and I ate until I was in danger of tearing my stomach lining. After I was happy and filled with food, the idea for the next website redesign came to me, so I had to sketch it down immediately.

Website Scribble

That picture won’t make sense to anyone but me, so its purpose is to let you see what’s going on inside my mind.

I doubt that your Thanksgiving was as good as mine because you didn’t have GEREMY as your chef, but I hope that it went well anyway.

A++++ WILL RIDE AGAIN!!!

A

On Saturday I boarded an elevator with my dad, destined for the third floor of the five floor building. This wasn’t the typical pushbutton type elevator that is typically used by you modern folk. Nope…no way. This elevator was almost completely manually controlled with cranks and levers. This was the type of elevator that required a skilled elevator man. This was the type of elevator that was way too complicated for normal people like my father and me.

Although it may seem like this elevator was a 9’x 4’ death canister, it had one huge advantage over modern elevators—-a variable speed regulator. This means that if I want to go from the basement to the fifth floor going 55mph, there’s nothing, except common sense, that can stop me from doing so.

This day was your typical boring Saturday afternoon, so to add some excitement to our day, we discarded all measures of common sense and we set the lever to 11,000 jiggawatts of power, also known as “THE DANGER ZONE.” For exactly one split second, we were headed to the third floor at a speed that my 175 horsepower Nissan Altima could only achieve when strapped to the roof of a Dodge Viper, but then we stopped and the crank no longer worked.

Now would be a good time to say “UH-OH!”

Since this wasn’t your typical elevator, we were able to open the door and assess the situation. We were stuck between the first and second floor, but there was a 1 foot space to try to climb out of the elevator. My dad and I slid out with no problem (thank God I hadn’t eaten that second chocolate éclair) and we had to take the steps up to the roof to flip a gigantic switch that looked like it belonged to an electric chair in order to make the elevator functional again.

In the end, we had to do a lot more work to get to the third floor, but was it worth it? MOST DEFINITELY! I give that elevator my seal of approval and I hope to have many more exciting life-threatening experiences with it.

A Peculiar guy named Geremy