I took care of an invisible hamster

At work I was trusted with the life of a living creature…theoretically. For one week I had to provide food and water for a hamster while its owners were away. What was a relatively easy job became mentally draining because I never once saw the hamster and I assumed that I was going crazy.

The hamster, let’s call him “Stealth,” was supposedly a nocturnal pet that slept in its makeshift bed (which consisted entirely of wood-chips) allll daaaay looonng. I fed Stealth at the start of each workday and by the end of the day the food moved to the other side of the cage. It was as if the invisible animal was saying, “NO! I want it HERE,” but I’m somewhat rebellious and I put hamster food where I want!

By the third day I wanted to pull the hamster out of its hole, but I didn’t want to risk killing two animals in one week. I considered gently shaking the “cage” but I didn’t want to conduct mouth-to-mouth the hamster if it went under cardiac arrest.

I came to grips with the situation as I got more and more dillusional. When I was all out of ideas to coerce the animal out of its hole, I settled on the fact that Stealth either didn’t exist, or didn’t want to be bothered. Nonetheless, I did my job and kept putting food in the cage.

I have many theories about this hamster, which includes the possibility that I fed an empty cage for the week, or that I was part of a psychological experiment where I was the lab rat, but let it be known that I am the best cage feeder since…..um…. well, I guess I’m the best cage feeder ever

I did something bad

I don’t like to leave the reader in suspense, so I’ll say it right now—I [accidently] hit him with my car and probably killed him. I’ve had many close calls before, but this time it was unavoidable.

My morning was going great and the weather was nice. There wasn’t much that could’ve been done to make this a better morning. Although I was late to my first class, I entered the campus driving a reasonable speed and carefully went over each of the speed bumps. After the first bump I saw him…or maybe it was a her, I don’t remember.

As I slowly drove in the direction of the parking deck, he slowly walked into the road as if he was playing a game of chicken with me. I quickly slammed brakes to let him pass, but he also stopped to let me pass. I thought, “what a nice guy” and resumed my trip down the road, but then he started walking too. WAIT!! WHAT’S GOING ON?! This guy was on a collision course with death and he wanted me to be the vessel to unite him with God (or the devil).

I don’t like games, so I went for it. I accelerated as fast as I could (which isn’t very fast in a 4-cyl, 175 horsepower car) and tried to beat him across the road. I thought I was in the clear, but then he started running across the road. As I drove, I saw the look of determination in his big brown eyes. He wanted to get across the road now and no one was going to stop him…not even me. All of a sudden, he disappeared. I didn’t see where he went, so I assumed he got across the street safely.

I kept driving and went over one more speed bump, but it was weird because the front wheels mysteriously didn’t pass over the hump. I looked into my rearview mirror to inspect the 1/2 speed bump, but instead I saw HIM. He was quickly rolling left and right in the road, obviously in pain. What did I do?! He kept banging his head on the ground as if he was possessed. His hands…no his feet were quivering in the air and his movements got faster and faster.

I started to go back to help, but what could I do? I reached for my cell phone, but I forgot it at home. I’ve never killed anyone with my car before and felt really guilty for it. I remember the look on his face, I remember waiting for him to pass, I remember trying to be a good Samaritan, but it meant nothing now.

One last look in my rearview mirror confirmed what I thought all along. The squirrel was dead.

P.S: To the people who walked passed and laughed at the epileptic squirrel in the street, have you no shame?!

Ear Relief


For years, my hollow earholes have prevented me from having an enjoyable earphone experience. I continually bought different types of earphones with hopes of finding one that countoured to my strange ear canal, but nothing fit right…not even remotely.

Each time I wore my ipod’s earphones, they just sat at the opening of the canal, but never sticking, which resulted in me selling the thing. Then I got another set of earphones that stuck in my ears like extra strength epoxy, but they made my ears feel like they were giving birth (assuming giving birth feels like trying to force a cactus into your nose).

The straw that broke the Geremy’s back was when one of my inferior, painful earphones literally popped in my ear. I was listening to a song with a lot of bass on full volume with bass-booster enabled when all of a sudden I heard a pixxxxerrqrh sound (it’s hard to spell sounds) and my eardrums started ringing like those annoying nextel/boost mobile phones.

From today on, NO MORE! I’ve given up on cheap earphones and bought a good Bose headphone as a replacement. Although I had to spend a block of cheese on them, it’ll be worth it in the long run. Best of all, I don’t have to deal with ripped eardurms in 5 years, unless I choose to rip them with my powerful new earphones.