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On This Day
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Magnolia’s Cupcake Creations

On Saturday I found myself in Manhattan with a few extra moments on my hands, so I picked up my cousin and we headed downtown to Magnolia’s bakery. Yes, you read that correctly–the bakery. Magnolias is known for having the best cupcakes in NY and (arguably) the best banana pudding in the world, so I took my hungry stomach downtown and prepared for a dessert fiesta in my mouth.

As I attempted to enter the bakery I noticed a long line of people that extended around the corner and up the block. New Yorkers sure do love their cupcakes! I stood humbly in the back of the line waiting to be admitted into the glorious world of cupcakes and sweets. As I stood there, I overheard other people in the line commenting on the bakery’s quality, using adjectives such as “amazing” “zestful” and “magnificent.” I expected big things. I expected to bite into a cupcake and see an angel float out from the soft cupcake center and say “congratulations, my child…you are now permitted to approach the fortress

Thirty minutes later I entered the bakery and after spending about $20 on three cupcakes and two banana puddings, I retreated to my car to taste the treats. I expected fireworks, a huge fanfare, and extreme activity in my synaptic terminals but instead I just got a basic super-sweet cupcake. Maybe I expected too much. The best part of the entire experience was when a dog walked past the line with a vodka bottle in its mouth, but after noticing a cupcake on the ground, it abandoned its vodka and replaced it with one of Magnolia’s cupcakes.

Magnolia’s cupcakes–conquering pet alcoholism, one cupcake at a time!

I Have Excellent Credit…

One thing I learned as a business major was that I needed money that was readily-available to seize business opportunities. After remembering this important lesson, I made my goal for last week to exhaust all of my financing resources to have money on-call.

Everyday during my lunchtime at work I left the office with the goal of getting at least $20,000 to invest. On Monday I went and applied for a 0% APR credit card with a high credit line. Hours later, I found out that I was approved and my credit limit was a whopping $1,000. One thousand dollars…the amount of money that I spend on gas each week.

$1,000 down, $19,000 more to go.

On Tuesday I walked into the Bank of America nearest to my house and asked for an unsecured personal line of credit. The woman looked at me directly in my eyes and said “no.” Well, that was quick! “What do you mean no?” “We don’t do that, but you can apply for one of our great credit cards!!!” “It’s fine, I have one already. Thanks!”

REJECTED!!

The search continued until Friday when i went to another Bank of America with a different approach. I walked up to the financial specialist with a smile on my face and I said “Hello today! I have excellent credit and I need money, but I don’t want a credit card…what can you offer?” Suddenly the woman became friendly and said “Sir, have a seat!” Within 10 minutes they gave me a $5,000 unsecured personal line of credit. Not bad, but the search continues next week.

So far, my lesson learned from this experience is that I should start every sentence with “I have excellent credit….”

I have excellent credit and this is the end of my journal entry.

Forget Ikea…the sequel

I volunteered to help a friend assemble some ikea furniture last weekend. While the idea of assembling furniture seemed like fun in my mind, I quickly learned that the fun would be short-lived in practice.

We went to Ikea, chose out the furniture and transported everything back to the apartment to prepare for assembly. I was overconfident about my furniture assembling abilities, so I spoke very highly of myself. I picked up the Ikea Malm wardrobe closet and commented, “this is the hardest one to assemble… I’ll handle it, since I’m the best at assembling this stuff. Stand back!”

After working for about 30 minutes to get everything assembled I stood back and admired my handy craftsmanship. I inspected every inch of the furniture to make sure that everything looked perfect, but then I realized that the two large front doors were CROOKED. The wardrobe that took me 30 minutes to assemble was quickly disassembled and re-assembled accorded to the manual. Again, the doors were crooked! I took out all of the screws and carefully inspected everything to be sure that I used the right screws in the right locations. Still, crooked door.

I called my friend to inspect the wardrobe to see if the crookedness was visible:
Me: How does it look?
Friend: Good!
Me: GOOD!
….and that’s the end of that.

I mentioned in a past entry that I will no longer purchase and assemble ikea furniture. This decision is now FINAL. I am officially hanging up my “Best Ikea Furniture Assembler in the Continental United States” crown.

Vitalicious!

Vital8 Gummy Multivitamin

“Take your vitamins…here!”
“Don’t toy with me, girl… this is a gummy snack”
“Take it!”

My sister bought me a bottle of specialty multivitamins named “Vital 8,” which come in the form of gummy candies. There are little infinity symbols peppered across the bottle, the cap, and even the vita-gummies themselves are shaped like infinities. I interpret all of the infinity symbols as “you’re going to live forever if you eat these things!” The bottle is bright, nickelodeon-slime colored green, which makes me feel revitalized, and the bottle suggests that you take one vitamin a day. I hate vitamins, but love gummy snacks, so I’m eating these things like they’re snacks. If one vitamin makes me live forever, shouldn’t eight of them make me live for eight lifetimes?!? We’ll see.

Vital8 Gummy Multivitamin Vital8 Gummy Multivitamin

Tweet Tweet..

Someone’s playing a cruel joke on me–or at least that’s the only way to explain this strange phenomenon that’s been occurring. Every morning from Monday to Wednesday I’ve seen a bird fetus on my front step. I’ve checked the area for nests and I haven’t seen any within a 20 ft radius of the house, also I haven’t seen any birds walking around in the front of the house. Maybe that’s because they’re all dead? I have no idea!!

Day 1: My mom discovered the dead bird and threw it in the garbage.
Day 2: My dad discovered the dead bird and removed it from the front step
Day 3: I saw the dead bird and took an abundance of pictures…then I got rid of it.

I don’t know…

(if you’re curious to see a picture of the bird fetus, click here…but click at your own risk. I’m warning you… it’s disgusting)

The Million Mile Mall

Mother's Day Gift

My last stop in PA was the King of Prussia mall, or “KOP” as the locals seem to call it. The mall is legendary for being the largest indoor shopping mall on the East Coast, so I wore my extra comfortable sneakers and I armed myself with debit cards for the best shopping experience of my life. In addition, the following day was both mother’s day and my mom’s birthday, so I was a man on a mission to find the best gift ever.

The mall seemed to be about 2300 miles long and could be considered its own province. It had everything–jewelry stores, food stores, houses, department stores, buick dealerships, doctors offices, factories, etc. I walked around for about four hours and went into about 50 stores, but when I checked the building’s layout I saw that I had only conquered about 10% of the mall. This might take days.

In a fit of desperation and shopping rage, I went into Tiffany & Co, and I quickly chose a necklace for my momma. My sister, who accompanied me on the trip, said some girly thing like, “how can you buy the chain without buying the matching bracelet,” so I was suckered into buying the bracelet too. The wallet definitely hasn’t suffered a blow that large since 2001, when I discovered how ebay works and accidently bought a 1994 Chevy Corsica.

I took the two “perfect” boxes with the “perfect” bag and walked out of the “perfect” store. I was tired of spending money, so I decided to leave the mall. It took about 45 minutes, a compass, and a topographic map to find out where I parked and an additional 45 minutes to navigate there. I drove out of the unnecessarily huge mall’s parking lot and made a personal vow to myself never to return, unless my entrance to heaven was contingent upon my ability to locate a place where a person could buy a horse, a volkswagen and a 802.11n wireless router under one roof.

Crazies Need Love Too!

Kite Action Philadelphia, KOOZA

I was driving to “Love Park” when I saw a group of people with delirious expressions, dressed in all white, and prancing with toy kites towards the love statue. Upon first glance, I thought that the crazies were let free from the hospital, but after doing a bit of research, I found out that these people were promoting the opening of a cirque du soleil show. Excellent form of guerrilla advertisement. Ten years from now when I’m invited to speak in different cities across the world, I will release rabid gorillas in the city’s center with “GEREMY IS HERE” shaved in the hairs onto their backs. How’s that for guerilla advertising?!

The Harsh ceReality

Cereality Sign

I eat cereal every single day. For my 22nd birthday I got a cereal dispenser for QUICK DISPENSING POWERRR. At least once a week, I leave work for lunch in the middle of the day to satisfy my cereal craving. Some people call me a cereal killer–I prefer the term “fanatic”. So naturally when I heard that there is a “starbucks-type” cereal cafe in Philly, serving only cereal, I had to take a visit.

Cereality is located in Philadelphia across the street from UPenn’s campus and it quickly became my paradise. I almost began to giddily-giggle as I entered into the store and saw all of the cereal options, toppings, additions and flavors that I could’ve added to my meal to create the perfect concoction.

“Sir, what can I get for you today?”
“Give me the ‘Life Experience’… no… the ‘Jump Start’…. NO! I want the ‘You Snooze, You Lose’….nevermind… I want frosted flakes, and….AND STRAWBERRIES. YEAH!”
“Sure…”
“Really??”

They almost brought me to tears.

“…and add some caramel to my cereal! And I’ll take one of those spoon-straw things too! A blue one! And make it 2% milk… I’m watching my figure!”

I whipped out my camera and started to take pictures of the place when I was fiercely interrupted by the cashier who turned quickly transitioned the fake-smile facade to an intense frown. “DID YOU JUST TAKE A PICTURE OF THE MENU?!” I replied, “Nah, just taking a picture of the sign,” to which he responded, “OK, just DO NOT take a picture of the menu.” Ok, calm down buddy…

I retreated back to the car to eat the cereal, which was served in a round chinese take-out box. Overall the cereal was “ehhh,” simply because no one is a better cereal chef than me. I might not be able to boil a pot of water, but I can definitely make the best cereal known to man, as evidenced by the weak showing of the competition. BELIEVE THAT.

Cereal To- Go Cereality T-Shirt Cereality Milk Dispenser Cereality Cafe More Cereality Additions Cereality Additions

5/10/08: Philadelphia, PA: COMPLETED

Amusement at the Cost of Safety

Dangerous Fire Truck Ride

The exhilarating feeling of being scared on an amusement park ride doesn’t have the same effect when there is a large possibility that you might actually die. The carnival came to town this week and my seven year old brother just had to be there because “everyone from school” was going to be there and, of course, he wanted everyone to see his super-cool older brother.

We loaded the family into my car and drove to the carnival, which was situated in a parking lot. We bought tickets and began scoping out which rides to use them on. The first ride that I saw was the Gravitron, so I boarded it with my little brother and prepared myself for nonstop fun and excitement.

We stepped into the spaceship-like ride and stood against the wall as directed. I looked to my left and saw vomit against the wall–a clear indication that it was time to find a new place to stand. We walked about 10 feet away to a new location and awkwardly inspected our surroundings as we waited for the ride to start. An extremely bright light emitted from the ceiling caught my attention, but upon further inspection I realized that “the light” was the sun and there was a giganto hole in the roof. What caused that hole?? Did a kid fly out of the ceiling?!? Is this ride safe?! I didn’t want to stick around to find out.

I grabbed the brother and began to walk towards the exit, but then the door closed and the ride began to spin. I had two options: 1) attempt to write my will in my phone’s notepad, or 2) hold onto my kid brother and hope that we leave the ride with all of our limbs. I couldn’t let my brother die because it would severely mess up his perfect attendance record in school, so I made it my duty to sacrifice myself for his well-being.

The ride was a failed safety inspection waiting to happen. Screws were loose, dry vomit was on the floors, and I don’t think that the Gravitron operator was wearing any clothes (which could’ve been the cause of the vomit). Luckily, my brother and I came out of the ride unscathed.

I closely observed the condition of the other rides and realized that they were of the same caliber as the Gravitron. Rust spots were repainted, screws were loose, entire parts were missing, green fluid was dripping, and the ride operators didn’t seem to care about safety at all. This marked the end of my excitement. I couldn’t ride anymore of the rides because I’d probably lose a finger and I needed to keep all of them to type this journal entry.

The Semi-Paranoid Cyclist

I heart my bike

On Sunday afternoon I came home, changed clothes, and got prepared to battle THE BIKE once again. Physically, I was not prepared for a bike ride due to the scrapes that were left on my body from the first fall, but emotionally I was ready–I made the decision that I was not going to let a tiny fall (and a lot of blood) hold me back from my original journey!

I slowly drove the bike to the end of the driveway and then I suddenly stopped. That’s when it hit me…I had NO IDEA where I wanted to go. I should’ve probably planned this journey a little better.

I made a left, then a right, then a left, then another left, rolled down a hill, made a slight right, then a sharp left, and turned right. I looked up at the building before me and realized that I was at an oh-so-familiar place. I was staring at the last place that I wanted to see on a weekend. I was looking at my workplace. I had to get away…quickly.

I headed north and ended up on a two-lane highway with a black Honda Civic riding 5 inches from my back tire. I was peddling so fast that the kenetic energy that the bike was producing could’ve powered a 100 watt lightbulb for a week and a half.

I turned onto a side street and regained my composure. Everything was a lot calmer and I was no longer sweating bullets. Two seconds later, HONK!!! A little silver Toyota Prius was driving behind me and I had no idea because the car is absolutely silent. If Obama vowed to pass a law that states that all hybrid cards must hang a bell on the front grill to alert all pedestrians of its proximity, I’d vote for him for sure.

I was happy when I re-arrived home safely because the lack of a helmet and the vicious drivers made me continually question whether I’d return home in one piece. The entire trip gave my nerves a workout but, as predicted on 3/24/2008 @ 8:51pm, I EMERGED VICTORIOUS!

Next stunt: Bear wrestling!

An Open Letter to my Bluetooth Headset

Motorola Bluetooth Headset

Dear Motorola H350 Bluetooth Headset,

I dislike you. You make me uncomfortable. If it wasn’t for the new law in NJ that mandates me to use you, I would’ve NEVER bought you. It’s nothing personal… I just can’t stand you.

Love,
Geremy