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…so how does it tell time?

The Infinity Piece

Recently I purchased a watch that doesn’t tell time. Yes, you read that right– my newest watch has no arms, no numbers, no moving parts and no battery! Ever since purchasing it I’ve been getting weird looks from people who assume that time appears from a hidden LCD screen, but they couldn’t be more wrong. My watch doesn’t have any super powers, but it does have a very important symbolism behind it.

Allow me to get deep for a minute as I philosophically explain my timepiece…

My Timepiece

In learning about leadership, I found out that there are two types of time: chronos time, which is chronological and finite, and the kairos time, which is based on your appointed and opportune moment. Traditional watches serve as reminders of the chronological time and it naturally prompts individuals to count-down the minutes remaining before a particular event occurs. My timepiece, called the “Infinity Piece,” serves a reminder of the kairos time and it prompts me to not be constrained by the chronos when pursuing something great.

Also, this watch also has the magical power to elicit a bewildered look on the face of anyone who is unfamiliar with my peculiar ways. It creates nonstop entertainment for me when I am in public and individuals catch a glimpse of the watch that doesn’t tell time. While getting my laptop repaired in the Apple store today, a man stared at my watch for about five minutes as his face grew increasingly confused. When my repair was finished, his face looked like he just saw Elvis Presley reveal himself in the form of a moonwalking groundhog, and it was hilarious for me to observe.

While this watch doesn’t have any super powers on its own, my hope is that this infinity piece leads me to strive for greatness this year. If it doesn’t, then the puzzled looks that I get from strangers will make it worth its weight in solid plutonium!

My Recent Landlording

I own a real estate management company, which gives me the esteemed pleasure of being a landlord of a multifamily house. As a landlord, I have the great joy of renovating apartments when tenants move out and finding new tenants who promise to abide by the sacred laws and tenets of the almighty residential lease. Recently I showed my vacant apartment to over 100 different families and I’ve had quite an experience! Three individuals were particularly notable from my numerous apartment tours. Let’s just call them Mr. Seal Ling, Jimothy and Gusto.

Mr. Seal Ling
Seal found my apartment listing online and offered to take the apartment without even stepping foot in the place. When I insisted that he view the apartment before committing himself in a landlord-tenant relationship with my company, he walked through the place and only inspected the ceilings. What was up there?? I don’t know what he saw, but he was very impressed by the condition of my ceilings. Unfortunately “Seal’s” application was denied due to current criminal legal proceedings. I can’t help but assume that his crime was connected to his fascination with ceilings.

Jimothy
Jimothy was the most nervous prospective tenant that I’ve ever met. He was very paranoid, which naturally made me equally paranoid. He walked into the apartment and immediately locked both locks on the front door and avoided standing near all windows. He then quickly walked through the entire apartment within 10 seconds and he nervously asked me the same question multiple times:

Jim: So, does the dishwasher come with the place?
Me: Yes, everything that’s here will stay here.
Jim: So, do the appliances come with the apartment?
Me: Yes, everything in the kitchen
Jim: Including the dishwasher?
Me: Yes, that includes the dishwasher
Jim: So you’re saying that the dishwasher comes with the apartment?
Me: Yes
Jim: So you’re leaving the dishwasher in here for the tenant to use?
Me: Yes, everything in here stays in here
Jim: So the dishwasher stays?

I quickly tried to conjure the most accurate way to communicate that there will always be a dishwasher in the apartment, but I was unsuccessful in my attempts. After a few minutes of our question-answer banter, he quickly said bye and bolted out of the apartment. This was probably due to the fact that it lacked a dishwasher…or so he thought.

Gusto
Mr. Gusto scheduled an apartment viewing because he wanted “a nice, quiet place where he can live with his family.” I believed that when he said “family” he was referring to his immediate family. I was wrong.

Gusto walked into the apartment with a lot of people behind him. He was looking for an apartment that would house his entire 17-person family, which created a problem for my three bedroom unit. As his sixteen family members entered the apartment, I felt like I was in the midst of an instant cocktail party of Spanish-speakers and I was the odd English-speaking one. After the family inspected every corner, ceiling and appliance in the apartment, he said “I’ll take it!” I immediately felt the desire to respond “uh, no you won’t” but instead I referred to the local zoning laws that prohibit this form of chaos from abiding in apartments. They seemed very disappointed and every single family member seemed to be near tears as they exited the apartment one-by-one. Sorry!

After months of reviewing applications and performing background checks, my company has finally entered into a contract with a nice small family who isn’t visibly obsessed with ceilings. I strongly hope that this will be a good, non-stressful experience where the ceilings remain intact, the dishwasher remains in the apartment and three hundred other extended family members do not move in!

I’d Lick This Sneaker!

In December I was given the opportunity to design a sneaker, but not just any sneaker. This sneaker is the greatest sneaker ever made. It’s the greatest sole to ever tread this earth. It’s the sneaker that Moses, The Twelve Disciples and Noah wore in the biblical times. This sneaker is the NIKE AIR FORCE ONE!!!!!!

I had a long history with the Air Force One (AF1). I started wearing AF1’s when I was a freshman in college because at the time I was finally financially independent enough to purchase these long-coveted sneakers. From that point I literally purchased over a hundred pairs of these sneakers. There was a period in my life when t I budgeted $400 per month, strictly to be spent on regularly purchasing multiple pairs of AF1’s. When I noticed that this obsession became unhealthy and expensive to maintain, I decided to switch to a much cheaper, simpler brand of sneaker— the Puma. I made a video vehemently expressing my abandonment of the Air Forces, but I couldn’t stay away from them for long…they were just too beautiful.

Now that I’m getting older and starting to tone down my passion for sneaker collecting, I wanted to go out with a huge bang! I used this unique opportunity to design my dream sneaker, which spent one month of being crafted in a factory overseas and now they are finally in my possession. Here a few pictures of my favorite sneaker ever:

Geremology x Nike Air Force One

Geremology x Nike Air Force One

Geremology x Nike Air Force One

Geremology x Nike Air Force One

Geremology x Nike Air Force One

Geremology x Nike Air Force One

I’d Lick this sneaker.

Interrupting Dreams with Screams

Every night before I go to sleep, I set 11 alarms in my iPhone– the first starting at 5:45am and the last at 8:15am. You would think that 11 alarms would be sufficient to wake anyone up, but not me. I am confident in my abilities to sleep through an earthquake-tornado-hurricane storm without any interruptions to my dream. I recognized that was serious issue when my brother’s guinea pig got annoyed that I wasn’t feeding him on time, so he opened his cage, walked down the hallway and stood in front of my door making loud “wheek-ing” noises for me to get up and give him his serving of Timothy Hay. I recognized that my sleeping pattern was a problem, so I identified an alarm clock that’s louder than a 1961 Cadillac Eldorado’s horn and more disturbing than a 6.8 magnitude Earthquake.

Most Terrifying Alarm Clock

The “Clocky” alarm clock is the most terrifying thing that I’ve ever willingly purchased for myself. It is an alarm clock attached to tractor wheels and SUV tires. Those wheels are attached to a tiny motor that has more torque than a Subaru Impreza WRX and more horsepower than a Honda Civic with V-TEC POWERRRRR. On the front of the alarm there’s an illuminated LCD , which have the power to light up my entire room like a searchlight on Rikers Island. This alarm clock isn’t your typical alarm clock– it’s your worst nightmare….figuratively and literally.

Most Terrifying Alarm Clock

When it’s time for Clocky to interrupt your beautiful sleep, he gives you one chance to wake up like a normal human being. He politely screams in an R2D2-like fashion for you to wake up. If you are like me and press the snooze button, he gets angry and two minutes later he unleashes his mechanical wrath on you and everything in his path. He drives off the nightstand onto the ground and he runs around the room, flashing his bright lights and releasing high pitch screams. If you are wise enough to wake up, you will see your entire room flashing brightly from the clock’s bright lights, and if you are like me this morning, you would think that you are part of a FBI raid and are two seconds away from being shot with bullets from a machine gun.

Most Terrifying Alarm Clock

To make things worse, during this frightening Clocky spins his entire body around, making it hard for you to hold him and push his buttons. As if it isn’t hard enough to find the running alarm clock and stop the terror, now you have to make your sleepy body awake and aware enough to press the right buttons to bring this horror to an end. By the time that you’re able to put an end to this scary experience, you are awake enough to catch an antelope with no external assistance.

Each night I go to sleep in fear of my alarm clock, but at least I know now that I can go to sleep in peace and wake up early enough to catch the 6am reruns of Saved By the Bell: The College Years…while trembling in fear of the clocky.

Our Team Name Should’ve Been “LOSS”

We had a tremendous win for our first and last games, but the four games in between were tremendously disastrous! Two weeks ago marked the end of my team’s season in a co-ed basketball league where our team of of six guys, two girls and one Geremy tried to become champions. During our first game we played with optimism and bright spirits, which resulted in a huge win and bright hopes for the basketball season, but we were not sure what was waiting for us in our dark, gloomy future.

A week later we prepared for our second game against a team named “Your Mom.” As I spoke to my friends and family about the upcoming game, people became nervous when I explained how badly we were going to beat Your Mom. “Your Mom has got to be the worst. There’s no way that I’m going to let Your Mom beat us. We are going to DESTROY Your Mom!” I received some weird looks from eavesdropping strangers as I dismissively spoke about Your Mom, but I didn’t mind because I knew that Your Mom was going to lose! When we got to the court and played Your Mom, we were the ones who suffered the loss— a loss of respect, a loss of confidence and worst of all, a huge loss of the basketball game. This led me to tweet the following note, in an attempt to save face and cheer myself up:

a Tweet About Your Mom!

Unfortunately, this loss was just the start of the downward spiral that we were going to experience. We began to lose so many games that I considered renting a hearse to travel to and from the games to appropriately recognize and mourn the loss of our once amazing team. But right before we gave up all hope, we became determined to get one more win under our belt before the season ended.

All of a sudden, the dispirited team made an enormous turnaround and began to play like players in the 1993 arcade game, NBA JAM! At one point, I think I saw a girl on our team jump from the halfcourt line to make a behind-the-back, 360 degree, reverse slamdunk, while using her free hand to simultaneously send a text message to her uncle. We finally found our power and the final victory was ours!!

Although the season was short and discouraging at times, I enjoyed every single game. Best of all, I learned a very valuable lesson: Don’t talk trash about Your Mom because it will trigger bad things, like multiple tragic losses and weeks of sadness!

Snowflake Water is a Reality!

Ever wondered what melted snowflakes taste like? I wondered this when I was young and had nothing better to do than to write on the wall with a crayon and talk to my imaginary friend Pheubherth. When curiosity finally got the best of me, I went outside on a snowy day and got a handful of snow to defrost in a cup and taste. It tasted disgusting, as if someone put gravel, dirt, leaves and pencil shavings into a juicer and served it chilled.

If I had things my way, I would make snow taste like cream soda so that each snowfall would be a wonderfully delicious experience. Since it’s not possible to do that in this world, I made a bottled, artificial version of my snowflake dream, called “Snowflake Water.”

Geremology x Jones Soda

My bottled snowflake water experience is a joint production with Jones Soda and it features my official Snowflake Water emblem, which has tiny G’s hidden in the snowflake. The back of the bottle features my snowflake water story and the the drink is packaged in a glass bottle for safekeeping of your melted snowflake water.

I don’t want to be greedy and keep of this great snowflake water to myself, so I am giving it away to you—the wonderful, faithful visitors of Geremology.com. Unfortunately it costs quite a large sum of money to ship glass bottles around the United States, so if you would like one of these collectors items in your home, you can pay a portion of the shipping and handling charges ($3) and then it becomes yours. Supplies are limited, so first come, first serve. Also, if you’ve ever received anything from me in the mail in the past, you know that I like to ship extra surprises in the package, so prepare yourself!!

Geremology x Jones Soda

Geremology x Jones Soda

Terms and Conditions Open to residents of the United States only. Three dollar shipping and handling charges only accepted via major credit card or paypal payment. One bottle per person while supplies last. Do not use glass bottles as a weapon. Play nice!

To sign up, complete the form below and be sure to indicate your intended method of payment.

Education, I’M BACK!!

My Notes from Leadership School

I’ve had quite an extensive school history where I received nonstop schooling from September 6, 1989 until May 7, 2007…that’s 18 years of pure, unadulterated knowledge and intense learning! While going to school I felt like I was trapped in a medium-security jail where they forced me to use my brain to earn my freedom. I was a good prisoner and I did what was required of me while I set my sights on an unrestricted life in the free world.

I always thought about what life on the outside would feel like. I had dreams of being a working man where I got compensated for using my intellectual power and I yearned for the day when I didn’t have to write 15 page papers on the benefits of embryonic stem cell research on chronic myelogenous leukemia patients. This post-education life seemed like paradise…a paradise that I wanted and needed to experience as quickly as possible.

After graduating with a business degre, I’ve finally achieved this paradise, but now I am starting to dislike it as much as I hate that irritating wisdom tooth in the back of my mouth!

I didn’t realize that the intellectual jolt that I received in school helped to motivate me to do great things and grow both mentally and intellectually. When that jolt went away I felt like something was missing and I started to feel lyke I wuz geting stupidur. I felt like I abandoned the girlfriend who I built a longstanding fruitful, nurturing relationship with….that girl was named Education and I needed to patch things up with her so she could be in my life again! EDUCATION, baby….TAKE ME BACK!!!

A few months ago I was given the opportunity to enroll in a Leadership College and I saw it as a great way to start my relationship with Education again. At first when I enrolled in the classes, it was tough to get my brain back in gear but now I am incredibly happy with my decision and Education has decided to forgive me for leaving her when she needed me the most.

I attend classes on Saturdays from 9am until 3pm, and while in class I use an audio recorder to record the lecture and I take lots and lots notes so I excel and make up for lost time. My goal is to be the valedictorian of the graduating class when the semester concludes in May because I don’t want to settle for anything less than the best. At the graduation when I have to address the class, I will make a speech that begins with, “I would just like to thank my girl, Education, for not getting mad at me when I dumped her and started dating her cousin, Employment.”

New Year, New Gear!

I’m incredibly excited about 2011 because I am completely confident that this year will usher in great things. Instead of an exhaustive list of resolutions, I just have one resolution that I am sticking with–to be fully committed to my passions. Of course, I have many goals that some will consider to be lofty and unattainable (like chartering a private jet at least once this year), but every single goal has the same underlying theme of being committed to my passions.

Since 2002, one of my passions since has been my online journal to document my thoughts and experiences. In order to signal the dawning of a new day, I (with the help of my assistant) will be digging into the archives to locate and republish every single journal entry that I’ve ever written. This task will be complete by the end of this month and will be viewable in the archives category of this site. This is just the start of great things…

Happy 2011, and may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrow’s!