Unlike most males in America, I already have my entire wedding planned out in extreme detail. This is not because I am anxious to get married, but rather because I want this special day to be deeply rooted in everyone’s memory as The Most Peculiar Wedding ever!
My wedding is as follows:
The wedding is structured like a tour and takes place over the course of one week. Instead of requiring the guests to travel long distances to meet us, we will travel to meet the guests. The tentative locations are as follows:
Monday Morning: San Francisco
Monday Afternoon: Los Angeles
Thursday Morning: New York
Thursday Afternoon: New Jersey
Saturday Morning: Trinidad
Saturday Afternoon: Tobago
The Wedding Party:
The wedding party will consist of my bride, her maid of honor, her bridesmaids and me. I won’t have a best man because I believe that the groom should be the “BEST” man at his own wedding—no one can be a better man than me at my own wedding. I’m toying with the idea of having a zebra as a groomsman, but I am not married to the idea yet. My brother will be part of the wedding with the title of “deputy.” He won’t walk down the aisle and he won’t have an outfit– he’ll simply be “deputy.”
A slow loris will be my ring bearer and he will walk down the aisle with one ring on each arm as they remain outstretched in the air (like this guy). In lieu of a flower girl, we will have 100 baby-blue, baby bunnies that will run down the aisle in the cutest way possible. This will require the coordination of an animal trainer who will train the bunnies to run in perfect synchronicity at 2.5mph. After the baby-blue, baby bunnies, the DJ will cue my wedding march, which will be the rap song, “Here Comes the Groom (remix)” and I will ride down the aisle on a white horse, zebra, giraffe or elephant wearing a tuxedo and a fitted cap. Then the bridal party will walk down the aisle in their usual fashion and the bride will walk down the aisle in any way that she’d like, to any music that she’d like because I want to give her the freedom to do whatever she wants in her wedding*.
Our ceremony will last a total of 5-10 minutes. I will write my own vows, which will include the phrase “I promise to only purchase Apple computers, unless I start my own computer company.” When the pastor says, “you may kiss the bride” I will kiss my bride, pinky swear, and then do our secret handshake. Immediately after the sealing of vows, we will turn to the crowd of 10,000+ people and simply say “thank you” as we prepare for our exit.
At the end of the wedding, my deputy will bring a Ducati motorcycle to the stage and my wife will tear off the train from her dress. Then my wife and I will mount the motorcycle and speed directly down the center aisle and out of the church. Then we will drive to an awaiting helicopter, which will take us to the airport, where our jet will take us to the next city on the wedding tour.
My wedding will not have a reception. Everyone will receive a meal ticket for $5 worth of products at a local fast food establishment. This will stimulate the economy and give all of my friends a nice-ish venue to discuss the wedding. A fleet of trucks will be parked outside of the church to transport our wedding gifts to our new house in New Jersey.
I’m not sure when this wedding will take place, but you’re invited! Be sure to stay tuned to this website to find out more details as the time draws near! I am not sure who the lucky lady will be, but one thing I know for sure is that she will be a fan of Peculiar weddings!!
* Within reason, as long as it doesn’t conflict with everything that was laid out in this wedding plan.