A little too much “insight”

I took an “insights” personality assessment last week compliments of my job. Prior to taking the test, I thought that I was a highly complex individual. Through opinion based questions, I thought that it was utterly impossible to form an accurate portrayal of my true self…but I was wrong.

I took the test while watching “True Life: I’m on Steroids,” which shouldn’t have influenced my answers too much. With muscles bulging and freaks getting frequent ‘roid rages, I couldn’t pay too much attention to the test. At first I answered as honestly as I’m known to be, but then I began to purposely answer incorrectly in an attempt to communicate my complexity and abstractness to the test. Twenty-eight minutes later the test was over, and I was happy because I was finally able to give my undivided attention to the sterile beings flaunting their artificial muscles on television.

Two days later, I was forwarded the results of the test—all 23 pages of it. I printed it out and put it aside on my desk, once again paying it no mind.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom (read: Everyone Poops) and needed some reading material. I picked up the insights test, had a seat, and started reading. By the third page I was so blown away that I had to rise off the throne and sit on the couch

By the seventh page I was upstairs looking for the person who was spying on me. By the 20th page, I felt mentally violated.

The personality assessment went something like this:

Geremy combines affability and amiability with a high sense of duty. On January 15 2006 at 9:12pm, he selected a blue t-shirt and blue basketball shorts as his outfit of choice. He focuses inward as an objective thinker and he rationalizes his view of the world through concrete facts. At the time of this assessment, he was watching True Life: I’m on Steroids. He tackles his work very seriously and in a matter-of-fact and orderly manner, placing importance on the reading of instructions and detailed procedures.

In a world where a test can tell me about every aspect of my life, I don’t feel safe anymore. I’m moving to Mars! WHO’S WITH ME??