A Peculiar guy named Geremy

AuthorGeremy F.

Broadway Plays Put Me to Sleep

B

On December 22, I woke up from my first session of sleep and was about to start the second session when I was woken up by my sister, whose birthday was that day. She said “wake up! Get dressed! We’re going to see a show!” Since it was around 9am, the only thing on my agenda was sleep but after I realized that it was her birthday, I decided to get up and see what the entire ruckus was about. It turned out that a family friend gave my sister 5 front row seats to Beauty and the Beast and my dad made reservations for Carmines restaurant in the city for my sister’s 21st birthday.

The play was pretty good for a Broadway play and had its share of adult humor (or maybe it was just my mind interpreting things incorrectly). One thing that competely wrecked my mind was that “teacup” in the play was just a head in a cup on a table, but the bottom of the table was completely see through. I spent the entire time staring at the teacup to figure out where the rest of the actor’s body was held, but I couldn’t figure it out. If anyone can find out and let me know, it would be great and my head can finally stop hurting.

Even though the play was good, I won’t be seeing any other ones for a while. Sorry, Broadway.

A Letter to Santa…

A

Dear Santa,

They tried to convince me that you weren’t real but after this Christmas I have proof that you exist. In the past, I’ve always thanked my parents for gifts given to me; I would like to apologize for that since I now realize that you only used them as proxies to get the gifts to me. Santa, I know you’re real and I’m sure that you want to know how…

Well, this Christmas was a tough one for me because I did not want to ask for anything in particular. Whenever I was asked, “Geremy, what do you want for Christmas” I always gave ridiculous answers including (but not limited to) a yolk of oxen, a russian satellite, and weapons of mass destruction; although it would be great to own any of the aforementioned things, I didn’t need them. I kept all of my true desires hidden in my complex mind for reasons that I don’t even know.

Fast forward to this morning, when I woke up and went downstairs with the rest of my family to share gifts. I gave my dad a new thumb drive, an Armor-All gift-package in a decorative box, and a pair of sneakers that I really wanted to keep for myself. Then I gave my mom a homemade card with a gift-card and cash inside (I’m broke now-thanks mom). Then, I gave my brother a huge truck, a mini truck, about 20 hotwheels cars, and a basketball set. Then finally, I gave my sister a TiVo. I did not give these gifts to them because I had money to burn, I gave them the gifts because I knew that’s what you, Santa, would’ve wanted me to do. I did it all for YOU santa—then you rewarded me with gifts suited only for good little boys, like me.

Using family members and family friends as proxies, you presented me with:

– A flashlight/ halogen light/ emergency light
– a 24k “gold chain”
– a glass chess/checker/backgammon/blackjack set
– a button up striped shirt
– a sweater with matching hat (good looks with the hat)
– cologne
– a tie
– a mesh office chair
– a canon 50mm f/1.8 mkII lens for the Digital Rebel
– a polarizer, also for the Digital Rebel
– bed sheets that are made from T-Shirt material
– cash
…all things that I needed

That stuff was great, but then I was presented with the true evidence that you are alive. My dad pulled an Apple Powermac G5 desktop computer from a closet and said “Merry Christmas!” It isn’t unlikely that someone gets a Mac for christmas, but it is very, very unlikely that my penny-pinching father would buy a $2k computer for me and only me, so it HAD to be you who bought it.

So Santa, I promise to stop telling people that Satan is just Santa when you move the N, but that’s only if you come out of hiding and reveal yourself (and bring Tupac with you).

Your Friend,
Geremy F.

P.S: This letter was typed with the computer that you gave me.

What’cha Searchin’ For

W

I have A LOT of stuff to do this week so I probaby won’t be updating too frequently. To entertain you until next time, I’ve compiled a list of search phrases that people searched for to bring them to this site (from July until October)

– mini fridge-target
– chewing inner cheek (2 times)
– ruck futgers
– helmut whos gonna be a star
– dave chappelle as yoda
– orgy pictures ?!??!
– who s gonna be a star helmut
– weblog october 2004 dentist cavities – no cavities
– the whistles go woo woo video
– geremy (12 times!)
– caniballism (3 times!)
– dave chappelle vice city download (2 times)
– made2own (3 times)
– blood viles photos
– aol screen name stolen
– fruitcake lady
– more to life remix
– mka football pictures
– opening someone else s mail
– stacy orrico and jin
– clucku 911 sauce
– opening someone else s mail and law
– pitch black mountain dew purchasing power
– bailey wooten iridium
– opening someone else s mail
– she had huge muscles
– law opening someone else s mail
– carwash2 (3 times)
– geremology (7 times)
– leggo my eggo pic (2 times)
– amazing geremy
– bird vs car commercial
– cakalaky
– cantblamelag
– cheapest digital canon rebel
– cleaning shell-toe adidas
– dave chappelle gta parody
– elliot ness da band (2 times)
– elliot ness freestyle
– ikea1.jpg
– index carwash4.jpg
– jin featuring stacy orrico
– kraft nabisco headquarters
– mountain creek water park pics
– outthere boys
– dad shaving moustache pictures (2 times)
– dave chappelle gta parody (2 times)
– don geremy (2 times)
– great adventure commercial (2 times)
– my nike cortez (2 times)
– stomach rumbled (2 times)
– bunchies
– cluck-u 911 sick
– gmale
– hairball shrek download
– i shaved my moustache pictures
– kings supermarket parsippany
– my stereo is posessed
– qvc blooper download
– shu500
– sparknotes on welcome home jellybean
– smallest shower stalls
– jin
– stacy

The End of the Repairman Chronicles

T

Yesterday I made the decision to close my business as a computer service provider. Why’d I quit? I quit because I lost interest in computers and gained interest in the business aspect of life.

Now that I am no longer bound by the company’s unwritten contract of secrecy, I can freely talk about my top 5 experiences.

5- Filthy. I arrived at a very beautiful house, but the bedroom of the customer (an early 20’s male) did not reflect the beauty of the neighborhood. There were BAGS of weed all over the floor, trippy posters, and tons of 1/2 empty water bottles with literally hundreds of cigarette butts in each bottle. His room smelled like actual skunk “juice” and my nose went numb after 5 minutes.

4- WHYYY?????? This service call started with a simple task to replace one part in the computer then the amount of work increased exponentially, which meant that I needed to return to the house several times to perform additional tasks. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the customer was 6′8…and FEMALE. Everytime I went to her house to service the computer I heard something that made me go WOW!!!!! During the latest service call (2 days ago), I heard about one of her family members who’s 11 years old and she stabbed one of her classmates. Get me outta there!

3- HOW??? I had to do maintenance on a computer of an old woman, but it was tough because she had no idea where her computer was. I know what you’re thinking, “How doesn’t she know where her computer is??” Answer: SHE’S BLIND! A blind woman lived alone and knew her way around the house, but she had no idea where she put her computer. After I found the computer, I did what I had to do, then when I told her that I was done, she said “thank you” and handed me a $5 bill. I’m pretty sure that she meant to give me $1 though.

2- Unfortunate. The address on the work order stated that the house number was 56, but house number 56 was completely burned down. I called the customer to verify the address and he said that he lives 3 houses down. I walked 3 houses down and I rang the bell and the man who answered the door looked like he was very injured from a fire. After I spoke to him for a while, I asked him about the charred house and he told me the story of how he was trapped in the house while it burnt down. Very unfortunate.

1- Shocking. I went to an apartment (conveniently located across the street from a hospital) and the house was packed with stuff, but that didn’t bother me as much as what happened a few minutes after I arrived. I was making good progress on the computer when I heard something rattling behind the computer desk, then a rat the size of a rottweiler ran from behind the desk across the living room floor, and into the kitchen. I was disgusted, shocked, and scared all at the same time, but the owner of the apartment looked at me as if I was crazy for acting the way I did. At least the customer made an effort to calm me down by saying “don’t worry about him, he doesn’t bite.”

I have one more service call to finish up, then I’m free!

Chronicles of a Computer Technician

C

On Wednesday, I had my first two service calls under my new contract, and my third service call was on Friday.

First customer: A Jamaican woman who spoke very loudly. When I rang the bell, she opened her door and looked at me with a furious look on her face and said “YES?!?” After I told her who I was, her facial expression changed completely and she yelled “COME IN!” Her house was about 4 degrees over boiling point and I immediately began to sweat. While I changed the defective memory module, she sat on her couch while telling someone on the phone about my every move. “Okay, now he’s opening the computer….Now he’s unscrewing something….etc” HOW ANNOYING! I finished the repair as quickly as possible because: 1) my shirt was literally on fire and I had to use my sweat put out the flames, and 2) Her devious stare suggested that she was undressing me with her eyes. I finished everything up within 15 minutes and I left there to go to my second service call

Second customer: Lives in terrible part of the ghetto, where even the 4 year olds packed guns. I walked into her house and she introduced me to her blind 17 year old dog and told me that he wouldn’t bite me because he can’t see me. I followed her upstairs and the dog followed me….but failed. He would walk up 5 stairs, then slide down the steps, then try again and bump into the wall and slide down again. It was a sad sight to see, yet very entertaining. I started to open her computer, but then realized that HQ sent me the wrong part, so I called it in, packed up my stuff, said bye to the blind dog and left the house.

As I was walking to my car, which was 1/2 the way down the street, I saw a guy walk up to my car, look inside, pull out a screwdriver and then proceeded to try to steal it. I quickly pressed the “panic” button, which scared him, and he ran away. It would’ve been very interesting if he actually stole my car and I had to walk 30 miles to get home.

Third customer: Party girl. I walked into her room and she had many, many, many guys passed out in her apartment. All I asked was, “Wild party last night, huh” and she replied “yup!”

Stay tuned for more chronicles of a computer technician.
(Fox should make this into a reality show!)

Just call me Nick Burns

J

This week, I received an email from a company stating that I had won the bid and they accepted my contract. I had absolutely no idea what bid they were referring to until I looked through my files from when I was a business owner. When I was trying to expand my business, I put in a bid to a company that provided warranties for computers to be their official service provider for this area of NJ. I have no idea why it took them this long to review the documents, but they finally came to a decision to use my company!

After corresponding with the company and sending a series of documents back and forth, I am now the “Nick Burns” for 15 large electronic/appliance stores across the state.

Something wrong with your computer? NO PROBLEM! Just give your computer manufacturer a call and maybe they’ll dispatch me to fix your machine.

7 Workers vs. The Mean Boss-man

7

I got paid today for the work that I’ve been doing since Wednesday of last week, so since the job is over, I can freely write about it.

I HATED the job because all of the workers were stubborn and I was looked upon as the “MEAN BOSSMAN/ CHIEF DOODYHEAD.” The job entailed that we re-paint an entire school and then carpet the 2nd and 3rd floors. A carpet company was hired to carpet the 2nd and 3rd floors and 5 painters and 7 temporary laborers were hired to paint the rest of the school. Our deadline was Tuesday, August 31, but everyone was trying to make the job last as long as possible to get more money. This is what got me mad and the wrath of Geremy had to be laid down.

The hardest day (and the day with the most yelling) was Tuesday–deadline day. I dropped everyone off early in the morning and told them that they had to get the job done by 6pm. I left and came back to the at 12pm to check-up on things, but there was nothing to check-up on because NO WORK WAS BEING DONE!!

The 2 supervisors went to the Chinese food store to get food, the 7 temp. workers were in the basement talking about God-knows-what in their native language and there were only 2 people working. I told all of the laborers that I was going to deduct $10 from their salary for wasting my time and they all smiled and said “bien” because they couldn’t speak or understand English….or that’s what they wanted me to think.

I left and returned at 6pm to pay the temp workers for their work for the day. Even though they were working hard when I arrived there, it didn’t make up for the fact that they wasted 1 hour of my time earlier, so instead of the $110 that they were supposed to get, I paid them all $100.

Worker # 1: ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!?!? WHERE’S MY TEN DOLLARS?!

Me: I kept the ten dollars for the one hour that you guys didn’t work!

Worker # 2: We don’t care! Give us our $10

Me:I told all of you that I was keeping $10. Unless you all want to go back in there and work 1 more hour, that’s all that you’re gonna get!

4 of the guys said “okay, we understand.. thanks” and they walked to the bus stop to go home, while 3 guys stood there and continued to argue

Worker # 3: We worked very hard! It’s only $10! Give it to us!!

Me: If it’s only $10, then forget abou…..WAIT!! I THOUGHT YOU GUYS ONLY SPOKE SPANISH?!??

Workers # 1-3:: Uhhhh… Si

Me: Bye.

At that point, I went inside, made sure that everything was going well and then I left.

Even though the money was very, very nice, I probably won’t ever volunteer to oversee another project of this magnitude. I hope that there’s a business course in school to teach me how to handle a boisterous gang of 7 temp workers.

A Peculiar guy named Geremy