I am in the process of buying a house and I’ve learned two things so far: To buy a house you must be unemployed and you must have infinity dollars in the bank. You need to be unemployed because there are so many telephone calls, applications, signatures, emails, etc required that you will not have time to go to work everyday. Additionally, you need to have infinity dollars because everything in the house buying process requires you to pay hundreds of dollars. Soon and very soon I’ll be a homeowner…
Remember the entry from yesterday? Yeah, it happened again today at 8:45pm. This time I was 6 miles from home without a cell phone or any other form of rescue equipment, again. I’m either a horrible bike rider or my bike hates me. I’m leaning more towards the latter.
Did you notice that I haven’t made a single post all weekend?? Oh, that’s because I was too busy walking a mile with a 26″ Schwinn Mountain bike with hydroformed tubes on my back…oh yeah, and it had a flat back tire. Let me tell you all about it…
Somehow in the midst of the 96 degree weather on Saturday the heat began to make me so delusional to the point that I thought that it would be a good idea to take a 13 mile bike ride across three cities for fun. If you disregard the fact that I was chased by a 200lb cougar-esque dog the size of “Big Brown,” the ride was fun and it kinda made me feel like Marco Polo, the explorer.
Temperature: 97 degrees fahrenheit
My mood: Groggy but determined
Bike condition: Not sure, because I didn’t check
Safety equipment: None, because I left them all home in favor of a lighter bike weight
Communication Equipment: None, because I didn’t want to lose my cell phone
Since Saturday’s ride went so well, I attempted to relive the experience on Sunday; however I got a flat tire 1.5 miles into the journey. When I tried to ride the broken bike back home, the flat tire slipped off of the rim and prevented the wheel from spinning. I picked the bike up, threw it on my shoulder and walked half a mile to my job’s building in hopes of finding a co-worker who could give me a ride home, but it was 96 degrees outside on a Sunday afternoon–who in their right mind would leave their cool, air-conditioned home to wander about aimlessly in search of cheap thrills and adventures??? Oh wait… me.
I chained the bike to the mailbox and I began my 2 mile journey home. At first I began to jog, but then the 100+ degree sidewalk began to create heat via friction inside my pumas and made my feet feel like I was infected with tinea pedis disease. Instead, I began walking. As the sun increased its intensity and seemingly focused its heat rays on my back, I began to feel like the ants that I used to toast with a magnifying glass during my boring summer days as a child. The sweat that was forming on my head began to run into my eyes, my shirt was drenched, and my legs started to hurt. My plan was to spend the duration of the 2 mile trek to safety thinking about positive aspects of my experience, but the only positive thing that I could come up with was that my spit didn’t start to boil in my mouth yet.
When I got home my mom looked at me with a puzzled look on my face and asked “where’s the bike?” As I tried to recover from the intense walk and was re-learning how to utilize my charred voice box, I conjured up all of my strength to mutter: “tire…hole…chain….walk,” then I took my dad’s truck to retrieve the broken bike.
From now on when I get the crazy idea to take a 13 mile bike ride in the blistering hot weather without any safety or communication equipment, I’ll just set myself on fire instead…it’ll take less time and should hurt less.
“Take your vitamins…here!”
“Don’t toy with me, girl… this is a gummy snack”
My sister bought me a bottle of specialty multivitamins named “Vital 8,” which come in the form of gummy candies. There are little infinity symbols peppered across the bottle, the cap, and even the vita-gummies themselves are shaped like infinities. I interpret all of the infinity symbols as “you’re going to live forever if you eat these things!” The bottle is bright, nickelodeon-slime colored green, which makes me feel revitalized, and the bottle suggests that you take one vitamin a day. I hate vitamins, but love gummy snacks, so I’m eating these things like they’re snacks. If one vitamin makes me live forever, shouldn’t eight of them make me live for eight lifetimes?!? We’ll see.
Someone’s playing a cruel joke on me–or at least that’s the only way to explain this strange phenomenon that’s been occurring. Every morning from Monday to Wednesday I’ve seen a bird fetus on my front step. I’ve checked the area for nests and I haven’t seen any within a 20 ft radius of the house, also I haven’t seen any birds walking around in the front of the house. Maybe that’s because they’re all dead? I have no idea!!
Day 1: My mom discovered the dead bird and threw it in the garbage.
Day 2: My dad discovered the dead bird and removed it from the front step
Day 3: I saw the dead bird and took an abundance of pictures…then I got rid of it.
I don’t know…
(if you’re curious to see a picture of the bird fetus, click here…but click at your own risk. I’m warning you… it’s disgusting)