Dana the Trainer

My Wii Fit kept making fun of me by saying things like, “Geremy, it’s been ONE HUNDRED and EIGHTY days since we’ve last seen you!” “Geremy, if you were three inches shorter, you’d be perfectly round!” “Geremy, you have the body of a 147 year old!” Listen Wii Fit, I don’t tolerate insults, especially ones from a small, white plastic board! As a result, I headed the gym and got a membership so I could silence the comments from my judgmental Wii Fit game.

As part of my gym membership, I was entitled to one complimentary personal training session and fitness analysis. I assumed that this session would consist of a buff dude named “Sid” with gelled hair, shaved legs and a barb wire tattoo telling me how his perfectly sculpted muscles can grow at the sound of his voice, but I still had my assistant schedule a session so I could get my money’s worth. After he scheduled the session, my assistant informed me that I’d be meeting with Dana at 6am on Tuesday morning.

Meeting w/ the Personal Trainer

Dana?!? I get a female personal trainer?? This is great!

When Tuesday came, I dragged myself out of bed at the ungodly time of 5:32am and I rolled myself over to the gym. The only thing that fueled me to go to this session at 6:32am was the fact that a lovely lady named Dana would be consulting me on personal fitness for thirty minutes. I walked up to the spot where I was supposed to meet her, but I didn’t find any lady who looked like a Dana standing around. Eventually I asked one of the muscular men behind the counter, “excuse me, where can I find Dana the personal trainer?” He replied, “hi, I’m Dana, your personal trainer!”

You’re not a woman! I’ve just been bamboozled!

Immediately I lost all interest in hearing about my tired, out-of-shape body, but I stayed because I was too sleepy to drive home. MaleDana and I sat and had a preliminary discussion about what I was hoping to achieve by going to the gym, to which I responded, “I want my muscles to have muscles and I need my body fat to be at 0.1% by next month!” Unlike the Wii Fit game, he didn’t point and laugh–he just progressed with the fitness test. Maybe MaleDana wasn’t so bad after all.

Then I had to participate in a battery of tests as if I were a lab rat testing out a pre-clinical formula of a new drug. He hooked me up to multiple machines and I felt like I was the Six Million Dollar Man. When it came time to get my fitness report, MaleDana processed my test results and generated a report that said that I’m average in terms of fitness, strength and air flow. However, according to the computer, my flexibility is below average because I refused to fully bend over and touch my toes in MaleDana’s face to prove how flexible I am. If that’s the basis of measuring my flexibility, then I’m happy with the “inflexible” grade on my fitness report card.

Overall, the session was very enlightening and I left with valuable information that will help me to become a large, fit muscle mass within the next 10 months. Most importantly, I learned that not all Dana’s are created equal— some are male, some are female and some are massive, behemoth personal trainers with arms the size of the Tropic of Capricorn.