Hey Driver….Take me to my Castle!

Tesla has a fun (and potentially scary) feature in their cars that allows them to remotely monitor the car’s major systems at all times. At first I thought that they would use this data to analyze my life, so I’d email ownership@teslamotors.com every week to explain any anomalies in my travels. “Dear Tesla, you might have noticed that I drove down my driveway several times with the trunk open yesterday. I did it because my driveway is too long and I got lazy when taking the trash to the curb. Don’t judge me.” This week was the first time that they used the monitoring system to inform me of something that they noticed with my car (and it wasn’t about my trash transportation habits).

It all started with this note:

As part of providing peace of mind and a great ownership experience, Tesla vehicles are equipped with telematics systems to provide remote diagnostics support. We have been notified this vehicle has been remotely diagnosed that the Power Switch and Power Supply would benefit from the latest generation components.

Moments later, they sent a tow truck to pick up my car, along with Enterprise to give me a rental car while my car is serviced. Somehow, I’d misplaced my license and when it was time for me to complete my rental car paperwork they couldn’t give me a car. I asked “even though I can’t prove that I have a license, can’t you just take my word for it?” Apparently I didn’t look trustworthy enough for them to trust me, so I was left without a car.

I called Tesla and said, “we’ve got a problem. I can’t find my license, so I can’t pick up the rental.” The wonderful service advisor paused for a few seconds (probably cursing me out in her head) and then said “okay, give me a few minutes…I’ll figure something out.”

I thought of the possible options that she might suggest:
– Walking
– Riding a bicycle
– Using a rickshaw, but I’d have to provide my own human
– Riding a unicycle
– Scooting on a razor scooter
– Riding a Horse (with a Tesla logo on the side)

Of all of these options, the one that she suggested was so far out of my mind that I didn’t that it was plausible. She said, “ok, we’re going to send you a towncar and a driver will drive you to wherever you need to go.” I said “what about tomorrow?” She said “If you don’t find your license tomorrow, then he’ll drive you tomorrow as well.” What a wonderful punishment for misplacing my license!

For the next 24 hours, I felt like a king. I laid in the backseat and I relaxed while my chariot took me from destination to destination. When I asked him to make a detour and go some somewhere else on my way home, he did it. When I was ready to leave the car, he opened the door for me. When I asked him to drive faster to see if he’d do it, he did it. When I tried to tip him, he said “no– I can’t take your money!” Then I felt guilty. No one man should have all that power!

The next day I got my car back and it drove better, quieter and smoother than ever before. So I planned to email Tesla: “Dear Tesla, Thanks for proactively fixing the issues in my car before they became issues. However, can I ask you a favor? Can I pretend to lose my license so I can keep the limo and driver permanently? I want to feel like royalty forever!”

Fingers crossed that they say yes.