My Recent Landlording

I own a real estate management company, which gives me the esteemed pleasure of being a landlord of a multifamily house. As a landlord, I have the great joy of renovating apartments when tenants move out and finding new tenants who promise to abide by the sacred laws and tenets of the almighty residential lease. Recently I showed my vacant apartment to over 100 different families and I’ve had quite an experience! Three individuals were particularly notable from my numerous apartment tours. Let’s just call them Mr. Seal Ling, Jimothy and Gusto.

Mr. Seal Ling
Seal found my apartment listing online and offered to take the apartment without even stepping foot in the place. When I insisted that he view the apartment before committing himself in a landlord-tenant relationship with my company, he walked through the place and only inspected the ceilings. What was up there?? I don’t know what he saw, but he was very impressed by the condition of my ceilings. Unfortunately “Seal’s” application was denied due to current criminal legal proceedings. I can’t help but assume that his crime was connected to his fascination with ceilings.

Jimothy
Jimothy was the most nervous prospective tenant that I’ve ever met. He was very paranoid, which naturally made me equally paranoid. He walked into the apartment and immediately locked both locks on the front door and avoided standing near all windows. He then quickly walked through the entire apartment within 10 seconds and he nervously asked me the same question multiple times:

Jim: So, does the dishwasher come with the place?
Me: Yes, everything that’s here will stay here.
Jim: So, do the appliances come with the apartment?
Me: Yes, everything in the kitchen
Jim: Including the dishwasher?
Me: Yes, that includes the dishwasher
Jim: So you’re saying that the dishwasher comes with the apartment?
Me: Yes
Jim: So you’re leaving the dishwasher in here for the tenant to use?
Me: Yes, everything in here stays in here
Jim: So the dishwasher stays?

I quickly tried to conjure the most accurate way to communicate that there will always be a dishwasher in the apartment, but I was unsuccessful in my attempts. After a few minutes of our question-answer banter, he quickly said bye and bolted out of the apartment. This was probably due to the fact that it lacked a dishwasher…or so he thought.

Gusto
Mr. Gusto scheduled an apartment viewing because he wanted “a nice, quiet place where he can live with his family.” I believed that when he said “family” he was referring to his immediate family. I was wrong.

Gusto walked into the apartment with a lot of people behind him. He was looking for an apartment that would house his entire 17-person family, which created a problem for my three bedroom unit. As his sixteen family members entered the apartment, I felt like I was in the midst of an instant cocktail party of Spanish-speakers and I was the odd English-speaking one. After the family inspected every corner, ceiling and appliance in the apartment, he said “I’ll take it!” I immediately felt the desire to respond “uh, no you won’t” but instead I referred to the local zoning laws that prohibit this form of chaos from abiding in apartments. They seemed very disappointed and every single family member seemed to be near tears as they exited the apartment one-by-one. Sorry!

After months of reviewing applications and performing background checks, my company has finally entered into a contract with a nice small family who isn’t visibly obsessed with ceilings. I strongly hope that this will be a good, non-stressful experience where the ceilings remain intact, the dishwasher remains in the apartment and three hundred other extended family members do not move in!