Oh Salty Day!!


Prior to last week salt was just a regular crystalline substance that enhanced or diminished the flavor of my food, but after spending a day with different forms of salt, I grew a new appreciation for the chemical compound. My “salty day” came in three different forms: a salt spa, a salt restaurant and the movie “Salt.”

SALTY Waiver


The Salt spa visit was one of the most peculiar experiences in my life. The premise of the spa is that you pay money to sit in a closed room that has salt on all of the walls, on the floor and on the ceiling and then they gently launch tiny salt crystals at you while you absorb and inhale it all. Before entering the room there was a waiver that was thrice as long as the closing documents for my house and it contained such statements such as “there are no therapeutic or medical benefits to this procedure and any benefits experienced are purely coincidental.” Also, by signing this agreement I agreed not to hold them liable for any coughing of blood, sudden death or cancerous growths. IS THIS SALT OR IS THIS ANTHRAX?!?

SALTY Booties


Nevertheless, I signed the agreement because my interest was peaked and they already had my nonrefundable payment. I received my new stylish, blue booties and I was led to the room, which seemed like a hollowed-out block of salt. As I sat, I closely observed myself for cancerous growths or bloody saliva. Everything seemed fairly normal so I relaxed and listened to the soothing songs from the album “Songs of the Humpback Whale” while I waited for my salty session to end.

SALTY Restaurant


When it was all over, I left feeling as salty as ever and went over to a restaurant called “Salt.” Despite its name, everything that this restaurant served was not supposed to be salty. At Salt, there were three types of salt on the table: sea salt, table salt and a third type of salt that I believe to be Morton’s Road and Sidewalk Salt with extra snow-melting power. My friend and I were the only two people in the restaurant, which made me a bit nervous, but it made more sense after I received my chicken caesar salad. My salad featured a piece of “grilled” chicken was so white and undercooked that it was nearly alive and walking around inside the bowl. In the spirit of the salt-themed day, I named my new half-alive chicken friend “Salter” and made him my pet. Then I ate him.

SALTY Signature

Instead of complaining about my under-par food, I left my autograph on the table with the note “you’re the best” and promptly left.

SALT, the movie

Later in the day, I headed over to a drive-in movie theater to see “Salt.” Had I done my research beforehand, I would have known that the movie was about a Russian spy and not a canister of iodized salt, but the movie was still enjoyable because of the drive-in experience. If you have not yet visited a drive-in movie, I highly recommend it! You drive your car or truck into a parking lot with a large movie screen in the front, then you tune your radio to the specified FM station. When the movie starts, you will see the movie projected on the giant screen in front of you and you will have full control of your surroundings. You no longer have to worry about cold movie theaters, hard theater seats or crying babies sitting behind you–that is, unless you bring your own crying baby and leave him/her in the backseat without a bottle or a fresh diaper. The experience was great and I plan to revisit the drive-in many times in the future.

When the Salty movie was done, I went home to take a shower and cleanse myself of all of the salt (and half-dead poultry) that I encountered during the day. After I was all clean, I spent a half hour checking my spit for blood and my body for cancerous growths. Although I did not find any growths, I found a new mole on my leg which I named “Salter,” in memory of my fallen friend.