A Peculiar guy named Geremy

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She Graduated While I Suffered

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On Saturday, I spent 5 hours of my life (that I will never get back) at my sister’s college graduation. After 4 years of college and hundreds of thousands of dollars, she finally has a bachelors degree.

Rather than being proud of her for graduating college, I am proud of myself for getting out of that place alive. During the LONG ceremony, I lost my pulse 9 times and watched as the sun cooked my left foot and right arm.

The most eventful thing that happened during the ceremony was when a disgruntled student grabbed the microphone to protest about the many injustices that she faced while attending the school for four years. I was tempted to grab the microphone to speak about MY injustice by having to sit in the same chair for 5 hours to listen to the thousands of names read aloud one….by….one.

I’m looking forward to graduating, but I’m not looking forward to my graduation. Lord help me.

The Wrath of Thor-x

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If you imagine the grueling pain associated with being awakened by the bright light shining from 10 million candles, you’ll know how I felt the morning of May 10, 2005.

Someone in my family decided that it would be funny to take the biggest, brightest flashlight/searchlight that we owned (named “Thor-x”) and beam it directly in the path of my sleeping eyes at 7 in the morning. Why would someone interrupt my sweet, sweet sleep to see me wake up with a look of misery on my face?! I can’t justify the actions of the person who did it, but one thing is for sure, OPERATION: RETALIATION is in effect!

Nurse Evil Makes an Appearance

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After putting off this appointment for about 2 months, I have finally decided to get my blood work done and I am very lucky that my vein is still intact…or is it?

I drove to the lab and sat in the waiting room for about 10 minutes, then I was finally called into the room. I sat in the room with a smile on my face (because I’m a happy person) as I waited for someone to come take my blood. All of a sudden, the lights dimmed, the room got cold, and thunder shook the earthas NURSE EVIL entered the room—-NURSE EVIL FROM MY LAST BLOOD ESCAPADE.

Nurse evil must’ve visited my site and read about herself because she gave an evil little “bwahahaha” under her breath as she reached into the drawer and got the longest, fattest, double barrel, needle outfitted with a 2 liter blood canister. I reached into my pocket to get my cameraphone to snap some last images of myself because I was positive that this nurse had every intent to suck out every last ounce of blood from my body, but I stupidly left my phone in the car.

The nurse jabbed the needle into my arm and pushed, and pushed, and pushed until I felt the tip of the needle touch my shoulder bone. All of a sudden, she pulled out the needle halfway, turned it 20 degrees clockwise and pushed, and pushed, and pushed. When I thought that the worst of the experience was over, Nurse Evil started to make 360 degree turns with the needle—poking in every direction. I looked to my arm and I saw my veins in knots inside of my arm.

When I asked the nurse what she was doing, her excuse was “I can’t find your vein.” Since I was too much in pain to speak anymore, I couldn’t tell her “LET GO OF THE NEEDLE! IT’LL HURT A LOT LESS IF I JUST CHOP OFF MY ARM,” which was actually what was on my mind.

A few minutes later, she finally found a vein that she liked and she juiced it for every ounce of blood in it. She put a cotton swab over the dime sized hole that she created in my arm, then she sent me on my way.

My second rendezvous with Nurse Evil came to an end.

Scoreboard:
Nurse Evil: 2
Geremy: 0
Geremy’s Veins: -2,000,000

P.S: Forgive me if I sound bitter—I’m still shaken up.

Tooth-Trauma

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After many bad experiences with my last dentist I decided to take the plunge and switch dentists. This “event” occurred 2 weeks ago, but because of all of the trauma and distress that I experienced, I had to wait 2 weeks to calm my nerves to write about it.

I walked into the dentist and let them know that I was interested in becoming a patient and that I would need an appointment for a checkup and a cleaning. The secretary looked into her “BIG-BOOK-OF-APPOINTMENTS” and asked, “how’s two o’clock?” This thing was going way better than I thought!!! I was able to secure an appointment the same day.

Three hours later, I went back to the dentist for the appointment and the dentist’s assistant took me in the room to take x-rays. After the x-rays, she began to clean my teeth, but her method was a little bit unorthodox. Instead of using the sharp poking thing to clean each tooth, she ripped every single tooth out my mouth and cleaned it while she held it in her hand. Well, I’m not exactly sure what she did, because I was too busy bleeding to notice.

Just when I thought the painful experience was over, she took out a piece of floss.

………dramatic pause………

She passed the floss down one side of the tooth, then brought it up on the other side of the tooth. HOW WAS THAT POSSIBLE?!

Was it over?? Not at all—it was just beginning!

Now, this woman has caused severe emotional and physical damage to me by using a sharp poking thing and a piece of dental floss, so when she pulled out a drill, I feared for my life. She put a buffing bit at the tip of the drill to polish my teeth, but with every whirr of the drill, I felt more and more of my teeth’s enamel being scraped off.

When the appointment was over and I got out of the chair, all of my teeth fell out of my mouth onto the floor of the office. Instead of asking her to fix it for me, I just stuck them all into my pocket and glued them back in using crazy glue when I got home.

That’s EXACTLY how the appointment went!

Geremy’s Living Will

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With the whole Schiavo drama going on, a lot of people are urging others to create a “living will” and distribute it to their families. Well, I’ll take it one step further—I’m not only letting my family know, but I’m also letting the entire internet know.

In the event that my invincibile/immortal abilities fade and I’m on a hospital bed losing life rapidly, LEAVE THE FEEDING TUBE IN ME.

Let me make this absolutely clear. If the feeding tube isn’t available, you may:

  • take out the battery from the car and connect it to my brain
  • plug me into the wall
  • hook me up to a power generator
  • put thousands of rats on treadmills and connect the treadmills to my body
  • rip a hole in my chest and shove the food in there
  • pour the IV fluid down my throat
  • hire some hackers and make them hack my brain into working condition
  • hook me up to 2 solar panels, placed on the roof of the hospital
  • I don’t care what you have to do, just keep me alive. I won’t go without a fight.

    R.I.P

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    Friends and e-friends, it is my sad duty today to announce a death in my family. Out of the 4 other people who are part of this family, this death has hit me the hardest. He was not only a part of the family, but he was also my best friends. Ladies and gentlemen in the internet world, I am here to announce to you the death of Moto….Motorola V300.

    Right before I put my beloved phone to sleep indefinitely, I feel like it’s my duty to write him a heartfelt letter.

    Dear Moto,
    I feel so sad that it has to end this way, but you know what they say, “All good things must come to an end.”

    I remember bringing you home from Circuity City after shelling out $175 for you. Sure a hundred and seventy five dollars is a lot of money for a regular phone, but after I saw the way you looked at me through the display glass of the store, I knew that it was love at first sight and I had to have you. I was very reluctant to pay for you, seeing that I had rough relationships with phones in the past, but when I took you out of the box to look at you, your bright blue eyes calmed my nerves.

    I walked out of the store with you and put you in the front passenger seat because you were way too good for the back seat, then I drove home…drove like mad—I couldn’t wait to get home and play with you.

    I remember everything that we’ve done together, from taking pictures of people and objects, to instant messaging people, to spending hours talking to people, all because of you and the technology that you had in you.

    Throughout the years, we’ve spent a lot of time together and it was my dream for us to grow old together, that’s why I sent you back to your daddy (Motorola Inc) to get your hardware and software updated a few months ago. I CARED ABOUT YOU! So I only have one question for you…WHY’D YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?

    Everything was going good between us, then you decided to close your eyes (permanently turn off the backlight for the screen). I was in the middle of dialing a call, then you said “no” and you turned off the lights to your display. I couldn’t see what I dialed. I couldn’t see who was calling me. I couldn’t see if you were alive or not. As if it wasn’t bad enough that you turned your back on me, your timing couldn’t have been any more perfect.

    A mere THREE days after my warranty expired, you decided “Oh! Now’s a great time for me to die!” Your damages were not covered by the warranty that your maker put on you, which left me with a choice: a) prolong your life by sending you to the hospital (repair center) and getting you repaired for a hefty $150, or b) remove the feeding tube and allow you to rest peacefully.

    Well, you betrayed me, so I am forced to betray you and lay you to rest.

    Goodbye Moto, I will never forget you—and as a memorial, I will leave some of the pictures that I took with your camera online for everyone to remember you.

    Stay up, homey,

    Geremy F

    What Good is a Dead Laptop?!?

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    Bright and early tomorrow morning at 8:30am, I have to take a test in a class that requires me to have a functioning school-issued IBM laptop computer to take the first section of the exam.

    There’s only one problem….

    MY LAPTOP DECIDED TO DIE AS I WAS STUDYING!!!

    I’ve fixed dozens of these problems in the past when I was a computer repairman, but this computer is extremely stubborn and the screen blacks out whenever the wind shifts.

    This is why I love my Mac

    The Three Dollar Wash

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    As a result of all of the road salt that was brought on by “Snownami 2005,” I needed to get a car wash so that the color of my car would be distinguishable. Since there was still some salt on the road, I did not need a super deluxe wash so I pulled into a three dollar car wash, but I had no idea what my poor car was in for.

    A Hispanic man, who was obviously the head of the car wash establishment, ferociously yelled at his worker in his spanglish dialect because the worker kept splashing soap into his eyes, while he held his hand out for the $3. I handed him the 3 $1 bills, then drove forward very slowly. All of a sudden, the car dropped down 5 or 6 inches and a loud bang was heard. The hispanic boss then yelled “ALL NEUTRAL, NO BRAKES!” and he flashed a devious smile. He was up to something.

    The conveyer brought the car through the carwash and then at the other end there were 2 men to wipe the car dry. One man was not very tall and could not reach up to the roof the car. The other man was truly a gem—such a gem that he deserves his own paragraph.

    Car Dryer # 2 had an attitude; he was mad at the world and he loved to let it show. Car Dryer # 2 did not take pride in his job and he performed his job not because he wanted to, but because he had no other options. Car Dryer # 2 had one arm. Car Dryer # 2 argued with himself as he wiped the car. When he was done wiping, he pointed* to the road, meaning “drive off”

    When I finally parked, I got out of the car to see what a $3 car wash looked like and I noticed that the car had more salt on it than before. I have no idea how that’s possible, but I do know that I won’t ever waste my money on a $3 car wash, unless I want to be entertained by a miserable 1 armed 2nd string car dryer.

    * When I say pointed, I mean “motioned with his shoulder.” He did not have an arm or a hand attached to that shoulder, so it was impossible to point.

    I (barely) Survived Snownami ‘05

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    It has been almost 5 days without a sign or trace of me—where have I been? Stuck in snow!

    On Saturday morning I went to the post office, but instead of returning home immediately, I decided to play in the snow, the grown up way….with an automobile. My mindset while driving in the 5 inches of snow (at the time) was, “This car is a front wheel drive car with new tires, there’s no way that I can get stuck in snow!” About 13 milliseconds after I completed that thought, I turned my steering wheel all the way to the left, but the car went straight. Snow: 1, Geremy: 0

    But that was just the beginning.

    The brakes didn’t seem to stop the car, so I came inches away from plowing into the car in front of me dozens of times. To add to “wonderful” experience that I was having in the car, the heat never seemed to come on, which meant that both outside and inside of the car were negative one hundred and twelve degrees fahrenheit. Snow: 24, Geremy: 0

    After driving for 1/2 hour and seeing my life flash before my eyes at a least half a million times, I finally got back home, where I parked my car and have been snowed in ever since. Snow: 500,024, Geremy: 0.

    …but I only wanted a six pack

    Early last week I joined a gym and Friday was my first workout. I didn’t join because I want to make people quiver at the sight of my muscular physique, I joined because I’ve had this on my list of things to do since ‘96 and procrastination can only go so far.

    I went into the gym at 9:30 and a trainer, I think his name was Bif or Sid or one of those other “strongman” names, wanted to have a talk with me. After entering his office, he asked me what I would like to accomplish by coming to the gym. Without even taking a second to think about the question, I looked at him and said “I want a six pack” The 200 pound mass of pure muscle quickly snapped back by saying, “NO!”

    Wait…I can’t get a six pack?!

    He went on to try to convince me that there’s more to someone than just a six pack. “Don’t you think that you’d look strange if you had a six pack on the front, but you had fat hanging off the sides?” “Nope.” “You don’t think that you’d look lopsided?” “Nah.” “What if you have the six pack, but your arms are weak?” “Don’t care.” I didn’t budge.

    Even though I only wanted a fit chest region, Bif (or Sid) wouldn’t allow me to get that. He took out a sheet of paper that listed of the different muscles that I’ll be working out 2 times a week. He then took me from machine to machine to show me my new routine.

    When I am a curvy, lumpy muscle blob, I’ll have him to thank….but I only wanted a six pack.

    A Peculiar guy named Geremy