A Peculiar guy named Geremy
Weird Beard

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R.I.P

R

Friends and e-friends, it is my sad duty today to announce a death in my family. Out of the 4 other people who are part of this family, this death has hit me the hardest. He was not only a part of the family, but he was also my best friends. Ladies and gentlemen in the internet world, I am here to announce to you the death of Moto….Motorola V300.

Right before I put my beloved phone to sleep indefinitely, I feel like it’s my duty to write him a heartfelt letter.

Dear Moto,
I feel so sad that it has to end this way, but you know what they say, “All good things must come to an end.”

I remember bringing you home from Circuity City after shelling out $175 for you. Sure a hundred and seventy five dollars is a lot of money for a regular phone, but after I saw the way you looked at me through the display glass of the store, I knew that it was love at first sight and I had to have you. I was very reluctant to pay for you, seeing that I had rough relationships with phones in the past, but when I took you out of the box to look at you, your bright blue eyes calmed my nerves.

I walked out of the store with you and put you in the front passenger seat because you were way too good for the back seat, then I drove home…drove like mad—I couldn’t wait to get home and play with you.

I remember everything that we’ve done together, from taking pictures of people and objects, to instant messaging people, to spending hours talking to people, all because of you and the technology that you had in you.

Throughout the years, we’ve spent a lot of time together and it was my dream for us to grow old together, that’s why I sent you back to your daddy (Motorola Inc) to get your hardware and software updated a few months ago. I CARED ABOUT YOU! So I only have one question for you…WHY’D YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?

Everything was going good between us, then you decided to close your eyes (permanently turn off the backlight for the screen). I was in the middle of dialing a call, then you said “no” and you turned off the lights to your display. I couldn’t see what I dialed. I couldn’t see who was calling me. I couldn’t see if you were alive or not. As if it wasn’t bad enough that you turned your back on me, your timing couldn’t have been any more perfect.

A mere THREE days after my warranty expired, you decided “Oh! Now’s a great time for me to die!” Your damages were not covered by the warranty that your maker put on you, which left me with a choice: a) prolong your life by sending you to the hospital (repair center) and getting you repaired for a hefty $150, or b) remove the feeding tube and allow you to rest peacefully.

Well, you betrayed me, so I am forced to betray you and lay you to rest.

Goodbye Moto, I will never forget you—and as a memorial, I will leave some of the pictures that I took with your camera online for everyone to remember you.

Stay up, homey,

Geremy F

What Good is a Dead Laptop?!?

W

Bright and early tomorrow morning at 8:30am, I have to take a test in a class that requires me to have a functioning school-issued IBM laptop computer to take the first section of the exam.

There’s only one problem….

MY LAPTOP DECIDED TO DIE AS I WAS STUDYING!!!

I’ve fixed dozens of these problems in the past when I was a computer repairman, but this computer is extremely stubborn and the screen blacks out whenever the wind shifts.

This is why I love my Mac

The Three Dollar Wash

T

As a result of all of the road salt that was brought on by “Snownami 2005,” I needed to get a car wash so that the color of my car would be distinguishable. Since there was still some salt on the road, I did not need a super deluxe wash so I pulled into a three dollar car wash, but I had no idea what my poor car was in for.

A Hispanic man, who was obviously the head of the car wash establishment, ferociously yelled at his worker in his spanglish dialect because the worker kept splashing soap into his eyes, while he held his hand out for the $3. I handed him the 3 $1 bills, then drove forward very slowly. All of a sudden, the car dropped down 5 or 6 inches and a loud bang was heard. The hispanic boss then yelled “ALL NEUTRAL, NO BRAKES!” and he flashed a devious smile. He was up to something.

The conveyer brought the car through the carwash and then at the other end there were 2 men to wipe the car dry. One man was not very tall and could not reach up to the roof the car. The other man was truly a gem—such a gem that he deserves his own paragraph.

Car Dryer # 2 had an attitude; he was mad at the world and he loved to let it show. Car Dryer # 2 did not take pride in his job and he performed his job not because he wanted to, but because he had no other options. Car Dryer # 2 had one arm. Car Dryer # 2 argued with himself as he wiped the car. When he was done wiping, he pointed* to the road, meaning “drive off”

When I finally parked, I got out of the car to see what a $3 car wash looked like and I noticed that the car had more salt on it than before. I have no idea how that’s possible, but I do know that I won’t ever waste my money on a $3 car wash, unless I want to be entertained by a miserable 1 armed 2nd string car dryer.

* When I say pointed, I mean “motioned with his shoulder.” He did not have an arm or a hand attached to that shoulder, so it was impossible to point.

I (barely) Survived Snownami ‘05

I

It has been almost 5 days without a sign or trace of me—where have I been? Stuck in snow!

On Saturday morning I went to the post office, but instead of returning home immediately, I decided to play in the snow, the grown up way….with an automobile. My mindset while driving in the 5 inches of snow (at the time) was, “This car is a front wheel drive car with new tires, there’s no way that I can get stuck in snow!” About 13 milliseconds after I completed that thought, I turned my steering wheel all the way to the left, but the car went straight. Snow: 1, Geremy: 0

But that was just the beginning.

The brakes didn’t seem to stop the car, so I came inches away from plowing into the car in front of me dozens of times. To add to “wonderful” experience that I was having in the car, the heat never seemed to come on, which meant that both outside and inside of the car were negative one hundred and twelve degrees fahrenheit. Snow: 24, Geremy: 0

After driving for 1/2 hour and seeing my life flash before my eyes at a least half a million times, I finally got back home, where I parked my car and have been snowed in ever since. Snow: 500,024, Geremy: 0.

…but I only wanted a six pack

Early last week I joined a gym and Friday was my first workout. I didn’t join because I want to make people quiver at the sight of my muscular physique, I joined because I’ve had this on my list of things to do since ‘96 and procrastination can only go so far.

I went into the gym at 9:30 and a trainer, I think his name was Bif or Sid or one of those other “strongman” names, wanted to have a talk with me. After entering his office, he asked me what I would like to accomplish by coming to the gym. Without even taking a second to think about the question, I looked at him and said “I want a six pack” The 200 pound mass of pure muscle quickly snapped back by saying, “NO!”

Wait…I can’t get a six pack?!

He went on to try to convince me that there’s more to someone than just a six pack. “Don’t you think that you’d look strange if you had a six pack on the front, but you had fat hanging off the sides?” “Nope.” “You don’t think that you’d look lopsided?” “Nah.” “What if you have the six pack, but your arms are weak?” “Don’t care.” I didn’t budge.

Even though I only wanted a fit chest region, Bif (or Sid) wouldn’t allow me to get that. He took out a sheet of paper that listed of the different muscles that I’ll be working out 2 times a week. He then took me from machine to machine to show me my new routine.

When I am a curvy, lumpy muscle blob, I’ll have him to thank….but I only wanted a six pack.

Broadway Plays Put Me to Sleep

B

On December 22, I woke up from my first session of sleep and was about to start the second session when I was woken up by my sister, whose birthday was that day. She said “wake up! Get dressed! We’re going to see a show!” Since it was around 9am, the only thing on my agenda was sleep but after I realized that it was her birthday, I decided to get up and see what the entire ruckus was about. It turned out that a family friend gave my sister 5 front row seats to Beauty and the Beast and my dad made reservations for Carmines restaurant in the city for my sister’s 21st birthday.

The play was pretty good for a Broadway play and had its share of adult humor (or maybe it was just my mind interpreting things incorrectly). One thing that competely wrecked my mind was that “teacup” in the play was just a head in a cup on a table, but the bottom of the table was completely see through. I spent the entire time staring at the teacup to figure out where the rest of the actor’s body was held, but I couldn’t figure it out. If anyone can find out and let me know, it would be great and my head can finally stop hurting.

Even though the play was good, I won’t be seeing any other ones for a while. Sorry, Broadway.

A Letter to Santa…

A

Dear Santa,

They tried to convince me that you weren’t real but after this Christmas I have proof that you exist. In the past, I’ve always thanked my parents for gifts given to me; I would like to apologize for that since I now realize that you only used them as proxies to get the gifts to me. Santa, I know you’re real and I’m sure that you want to know how…

Well, this Christmas was a tough one for me because I did not want to ask for anything in particular. Whenever I was asked, “Geremy, what do you want for Christmas” I always gave ridiculous answers including (but not limited to) a yolk of oxen, a russian satellite, and weapons of mass destruction; although it would be great to own any of the aforementioned things, I didn’t need them. I kept all of my true desires hidden in my complex mind for reasons that I don’t even know.

Fast forward to this morning, when I woke up and went downstairs with the rest of my family to share gifts. I gave my dad a new thumb drive, an Armor-All gift-package in a decorative box, and a pair of sneakers that I really wanted to keep for myself. Then I gave my mom a homemade card with a gift-card and cash inside (I’m broke now-thanks mom). Then, I gave my brother a huge truck, a mini truck, about 20 hotwheels cars, and a basketball set. Then finally, I gave my sister a TiVo. I did not give these gifts to them because I had money to burn, I gave them the gifts because I knew that’s what you, Santa, would’ve wanted me to do. I did it all for YOU santa—then you rewarded me with gifts suited only for good little boys, like me.

Using family members and family friends as proxies, you presented me with:

– A flashlight/ halogen light/ emergency light
– a 24k “gold chain”
– a glass chess/checker/backgammon/blackjack set
– a button up striped shirt
– a sweater with matching hat (good looks with the hat)
– cologne
– a tie
– a mesh office chair
– a canon 50mm f/1.8 mkII lens for the Digital Rebel
– a polarizer, also for the Digital Rebel
– bed sheets that are made from T-Shirt material
– cash
…all things that I needed

That stuff was great, but then I was presented with the true evidence that you are alive. My dad pulled an Apple Powermac G5 desktop computer from a closet and said “Merry Christmas!” It isn’t unlikely that someone gets a Mac for christmas, but it is very, very unlikely that my penny-pinching father would buy a $2k computer for me and only me, so it HAD to be you who bought it.

So Santa, I promise to stop telling people that Satan is just Santa when you move the N, but that’s only if you come out of hiding and reveal yourself (and bring Tupac with you).

Your Friend,
Geremy F.

P.S: This letter was typed with the computer that you gave me.

What’cha Searchin’ For

W

I have A LOT of stuff to do this week so I probaby won’t be updating too frequently. To entertain you until next time, I’ve compiled a list of search phrases that people searched for to bring them to this site (from July until October)

– mini fridge-target
– chewing inner cheek (2 times)
– ruck futgers
– helmut whos gonna be a star
– dave chappelle as yoda
– orgy pictures ?!??!
– who s gonna be a star helmut
– weblog october 2004 dentist cavities – no cavities
– the whistles go woo woo video
– geremy (12 times!)
– caniballism (3 times!)
– dave chappelle vice city download (2 times)
– made2own (3 times)
– blood viles photos
– aol screen name stolen
– fruitcake lady
– more to life remix
– mka football pictures
– opening someone else s mail
– stacy orrico and jin
– clucku 911 sauce
– opening someone else s mail and law
– pitch black mountain dew purchasing power
– bailey wooten iridium
– opening someone else s mail
– she had huge muscles
– law opening someone else s mail
– carwash2 (3 times)
– geremology (7 times)
– leggo my eggo pic (2 times)
– amazing geremy
– bird vs car commercial
– cakalaky
– cantblamelag
– cheapest digital canon rebel
– cleaning shell-toe adidas
– dave chappelle gta parody
– elliot ness da band (2 times)
– elliot ness freestyle
– ikea1.jpg
– index carwash4.jpg
– jin featuring stacy orrico
– kraft nabisco headquarters
– mountain creek water park pics
– outthere boys
– dad shaving moustache pictures (2 times)
– dave chappelle gta parody (2 times)
– don geremy (2 times)
– great adventure commercial (2 times)
– my nike cortez (2 times)
– stomach rumbled (2 times)
– bunchies
– cluck-u 911 sick
– gmale
– hairball shrek download
– i shaved my moustache pictures
– kings supermarket parsippany
– my stereo is posessed
– qvc blooper download
– shu500
– sparknotes on welcome home jellybean
– smallest shower stalls
– jin
– stacy

The End of the Repairman Chronicles

T

Yesterday I made the decision to close my business as a computer service provider. Why’d I quit? I quit because I lost interest in computers and gained interest in the business aspect of life.

Now that I am no longer bound by the company’s unwritten contract of secrecy, I can freely talk about my top 5 experiences.

5- Filthy. I arrived at a very beautiful house, but the bedroom of the customer (an early 20’s male) did not reflect the beauty of the neighborhood. There were BAGS of weed all over the floor, trippy posters, and tons of 1/2 empty water bottles with literally hundreds of cigarette butts in each bottle. His room smelled like actual skunk “juice” and my nose went numb after 5 minutes.

4- WHYYY?????? This service call started with a simple task to replace one part in the computer then the amount of work increased exponentially, which meant that I needed to return to the house several times to perform additional tasks. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the customer was 6′8…and FEMALE. Everytime I went to her house to service the computer I heard something that made me go WOW!!!!! During the latest service call (2 days ago), I heard about one of her family members who’s 11 years old and she stabbed one of her classmates. Get me outta there!

3- HOW??? I had to do maintenance on a computer of an old woman, but it was tough because she had no idea where her computer was. I know what you’re thinking, “How doesn’t she know where her computer is??” Answer: SHE’S BLIND! A blind woman lived alone and knew her way around the house, but she had no idea where she put her computer. After I found the computer, I did what I had to do, then when I told her that I was done, she said “thank you” and handed me a $5 bill. I’m pretty sure that she meant to give me $1 though.

2- Unfortunate. The address on the work order stated that the house number was 56, but house number 56 was completely burned down. I called the customer to verify the address and he said that he lives 3 houses down. I walked 3 houses down and I rang the bell and the man who answered the door looked like he was very injured from a fire. After I spoke to him for a while, I asked him about the charred house and he told me the story of how he was trapped in the house while it burnt down. Very unfortunate.

1- Shocking. I went to an apartment (conveniently located across the street from a hospital) and the house was packed with stuff, but that didn’t bother me as much as what happened a few minutes after I arrived. I was making good progress on the computer when I heard something rattling behind the computer desk, then a rat the size of a rottweiler ran from behind the desk across the living room floor, and into the kitchen. I was disgusted, shocked, and scared all at the same time, but the owner of the apartment looked at me as if I was crazy for acting the way I did. At least the customer made an effort to calm me down by saying “don’t worry about him, he doesn’t bite.”

I have one more service call to finish up, then I’m free!

Chronicles of a Computer Technician

C

On Wednesday, I had my first two service calls under my new contract, and my third service call was on Friday.

First customer: A Jamaican woman who spoke very loudly. When I rang the bell, she opened her door and looked at me with a furious look on her face and said “YES?!?” After I told her who I was, her facial expression changed completely and she yelled “COME IN!” Her house was about 4 degrees over boiling point and I immediately began to sweat. While I changed the defective memory module, she sat on her couch while telling someone on the phone about my every move. “Okay, now he’s opening the computer….Now he’s unscrewing something….etc” HOW ANNOYING! I finished the repair as quickly as possible because: 1) my shirt was literally on fire and I had to use my sweat put out the flames, and 2) Her devious stare suggested that she was undressing me with her eyes. I finished everything up within 15 minutes and I left there to go to my second service call

Second customer: Lives in terrible part of the ghetto, where even the 4 year olds packed guns. I walked into her house and she introduced me to her blind 17 year old dog and told me that he wouldn’t bite me because he can’t see me. I followed her upstairs and the dog followed me….but failed. He would walk up 5 stairs, then slide down the steps, then try again and bump into the wall and slide down again. It was a sad sight to see, yet very entertaining. I started to open her computer, but then realized that HQ sent me the wrong part, so I called it in, packed up my stuff, said bye to the blind dog and left the house.

As I was walking to my car, which was 1/2 the way down the street, I saw a guy walk up to my car, look inside, pull out a screwdriver and then proceeded to try to steal it. I quickly pressed the “panic” button, which scared him, and he ran away. It would’ve been very interesting if he actually stole my car and I had to walk 30 miles to get home.

Third customer: Party girl. I walked into her room and she had many, many, many guys passed out in her apartment. All I asked was, “Wild party last night, huh” and she replied “yup!”

Stay tuned for more chronicles of a computer technician.
(Fox should make this into a reality show!)

A Peculiar guy named Geremy