While you were spending your Memorial day remembering our Veterans and Fallen Heroes, I was out causing trouble as a member of THE SEGWAY GANG! That is the name that I gave to the members of the Segway Tour that I participated in around Washington, DC. We cruised around the city on our Segways, looking like nonthreatening mall cops, living life on the edge with our super-safe (and horribly nerdy) bicycle helmets.
According to the most credible site on earth (Wikipedia), a Segway is a “self balancing electric vehicle used for personal transport,” but according to the most credible opinion in the galaxy (mine), a Segway is a cool yet incredibly nerdy machine that balances and propels itself using the power of thought [or magic].
It took me about 5 minutes to figure out how to properly use the machine because I believed that I was smarter than it was. The instructions were simple: lean forward to go forward, lean backwards to slow down, lean right/left to go right/left and stand still to stay still. Mostly everyone else in my group caught on quickly, but I had a bit of trouble because I was a bit too power-hungry. I kept getting into weird bouts of “man vs machine” fights with the Segway when its smart computer chip brain kept overriding my decisions and making decisions on its own. After some fights and discipline we began to play well together and we cruised around at a riveting max speed of 12.5 mph.
Our journey went mostly well as we cruised through the town. Our first stop was at my cousin Barack Obama’s house, but he wasn’t home and forgot to inform me. Then we continued through DC visiting other important places, like the Air and Space Museum and the US Capitol building. At one point, a member of the gang collided with a traffic cone, which freaked the Segway out and caused it spin in circles, eject her and thrust itself into oncoming traffic, but no one was hurt—not including the Segway, who likely suffered a little “brain” damage.
I would recommend that you sign up for a tour if you want to experience a Segway in the future, but go far away from your hometown because if anyone you know recognizes you on a Segway, your “street cred” will be dissolved forever.