Latest Tweet
  • People wouldn't believe the number of things that I've worked on for weeks and have never released because it doesn't feel quite right...

Latest Instagram
Latest Flickr Photos
On This Day
  • No posts

Where are you Going with that Bagel?!

I went to a bagel shop the other day and asked for….well…..a bagel. I would usually get a bagel with butter, but this time I thought I’d splurge and get one with cream cheese.

The man behind the counter took the bagel and went in the back to apply the cream cheese. Less than half a minute later, he returned with the bagel fully wrapped and good to go. I paid for my meal and lifted the bag to leave. I noticed that the bag was heavier than normal, but thought nothing of it.

1 Ton Cream Cheese

I got into the car and unwrapped the bagel to eat piece before driving off and I figured out the reason that the bag weighed 10lbs. Wedged between the two bagel halves was enough cream cheese to cover my entire body with a layer at least 1 inch thick, and I do not have a small body. There was enough cream cheese between those two helpless bagel pieces to serve as epoxy for two lifetimes. There was so much cream cheese between the miniscule-in-comparison bagel slices, that it must’ve taken 5 cows to produce it all. I could’ve fed an entire 3rd-world country for a month on the amount of cream cheese that I was given. Simply put, eating that bagel would have made my arteries harder than a triple-reinforced steel beam.

I wiped off all of the cream cheese in between the bagel and put it in a plastic bag in my back seat. With all of the cream cheese gone I was able to eat most of the bagel, but there was still one problem. My car’s acceleration was abnormally low and I felt the back of my car dragging. I pulled aside on the highway and checked to see if I had a flat tire, but my tires were fine. What was not fine, however, was my rear suspension. The rear shocks were having a hard time maintaining the correct height for the back of the car.

Before calling AAA, I started to clean up my back seat so the tow truck driver wouldn’t think that I’m a complete slob. I filled plastic bags with empty water bottles, bank deposit forms, and all other forms of garbage from the back seat and threw them away. I was satisfied with the condition of the back seat, except for one thing: a plastic bag with cream cheese chunks in it. I picked the bag off the ground and went to throw it away when I realized that the back of my car wasn’t dragging anymore. The culprit was the 94 ton bag of cream cheese.

Imagine if that cream cheese made it into my body

Leave a Comment