I went to a bagel shop the other day and asked for….well…..a bagel. I would usually get a bagel with butter, but this time I thought I’d splurge and get one with cream cheese.

The man behind the counter took the bagel and went in the back to apply the cream cheese. Less than half a minute later, he returned with the bagel fully wrapped and good to go. I paid for my meal and lifted the bag to leave. I noticed that the bag was heavier than normal, but thought nothing of it.

1 Ton Cream Cheese

I got into the car and unwrapped the bagel to eat piece before driving off and I figured out the reason that the bag weighed 10lbs. Wedged between the two bagel halves was enough cream cheese to cover my entire body with a layer at least 1 inch thick, and I do not have a small body. There was enough cream cheese between those two helpless bagel pieces to serve as epoxy for two lifetimes. There was so much cream cheese between the miniscule-in-comparison bagel slices, that it must’ve taken 5 cows to produce it all. I could’ve fed an entire 3rd-world country for a month on the amount of cream cheese that I was given. Simply put, eating that bagel would have made my arteries harder than a triple-reinforced steel beam.

I wiped off all of the cream cheese in between the bagel and put it in a plastic bag in my back seat. With all of the cream cheese gone I was able to eat most of the bagel, but there was still one problem. My car’s acceleration was abnormally low and I felt the back of my car dragging. I pulled aside on the highway and checked to see if I had a flat tire, but my tires were fine. What was not fine, however, was my rear suspension. The rear shocks were having a hard time maintaining the correct height for the back of the car.

Before calling AAA, I started to clean up my back seat so the tow truck driver wouldn’t think that I’m a complete slob. I filled plastic bags with empty water bottles, bank deposit forms, and all other forms of garbage from the back seat and threw them away. I was satisfied with the condition of the back seat, except for one thing: a plastic bag with cream cheese chunks in it. I picked the bag off the ground and went to throw it away when I realized that the back of my car wasn’t dragging anymore. The culprit was the 94 ton bag of cream cheese.

Imagine if that cream cheese made it into my body