In 1969, I was negative sixteen years old and Eddy Howell released a hit song that began with the lyrics, â€œwhen you told me she was going, I couldnâ€™t believe she was the one! But I listened without knowing! Oh yes, sheâ€™s already gone. I canâ€™t believe Judyâ€™s Gone!â€ Little did Eddy know, those lyrics would later reflect what happened to Big Booty/Bluety Judy, my [former] electric car known for her curves.
Judy and I started our friendship when I picked her up a year ago on March 24th and I made sure to treat her like the special gal that she was. I got her new 22â€ Avant Garde Wheels so she can look pretty as she drove down the street, I tinted her windows so she could have some privacy, and I had new aluminum sport pedals installed so she would feel comfortable, but what did she do in return??? Â She failed me! Â Time after time during our brief 10 month relationship, Judith showed me that she wasnâ€™t in this for the long-haul and she continued to punish me.
Hereâ€™s the list of issues that I faced within the first two months of owning her: Doors wouldnâ€™t close, displays froze, wouldnâ€™t charge, rattle noises, broken camera, messed-up tires, broken air conditioner, loose body panels, rear windows and lights wouldn’t work, loud clunking noises when I
raced people accelerated hard, and sometimes the motor would let out a high pitched noise that sounded like Mariah Carey when she sang â€œEmotions,â€ two minutes and forty six seconds into the song.
Iâ€™ve owned Teslas since 2013 and had enough experience with their vehicles to know that this wasnâ€™t typical. This was an isolated case of Judith trying to repay my good deeds with not-so-good issues. She was playing with my emotions! I give to charity! I pay my taxes on time! I floss regularly…not only before a dentist appointment! I didnâ€™t deserve this!!
Tesla repeatedly tried to fix the issues but could not come up with permanent fixes. This left me with a problematic Judith who reminded me of one of those kids that you see on the show â€œScared Straightâ€ who came from a good family but made some bad decisions. I couldnâ€™t find an inmate named â€œCarlos the Killaâ€ to scream into Judithâ€™s grill to scare her into working right, so I had to take the next best optionâ€” I filed a case to have her classified as a lemon. After a few weeks of negotiating, Tesla and I settled the case where Tesla gave me a full refund for the vehicle, and I had to return the car to them within three weeks.
Now, Judyâ€™s gone and Iâ€™m waiting to decide what my next car purchase will be. I loved my Model S, but am not in love with the updated design. I loved the Model X more than any car that Iâ€™ve ever owned, but I wouldn’t want to encounter the same issues again. I want a 2009 Mercedes SL63, but a two seater convertible isnâ€™t a great idea for me right now. So now we wait…
During the ten months of ownership, Judith was fun and I kinda miss her in the same way that you kinda miss your crazy ex who made your life a nightmare when you were together so you had to file a restraining order on them.
I miss you, Judith. Come back. Never mind. Donâ€™t. You’re crazy. Crazy in an exciting, “I hope you don’t kill me” kinda way.