In 1969, I was negative sixteen years old and Eddy Howell released a hit song that began with the lyrics, “when you told me she was going, I couldn’t believe she was the one! But I listened without knowing! Oh yes, she’s already gone. I can’t believe Judy’s Gone!” Little did Eddy know, those lyrics would later reflect what happened to Big Booty/Bluety Judy, my [former] electric car known for her curves.
Judy and I started our car/human relationship when I picked her up a year ago on March 24th and I made sure to treat her like the special gal that she was. I got her new 22” AG Luxury Wheels so she can look pretty as she drove down the street, I tinted her windows so she could have some privacy, and I had new aluminum sport pedals installed so she would feel comfortable, but what did she do in return??? She failed me! Time after time during our brief 10 month relationship, Judith showed me that she wasn’t in this for the long-haul and she continued to punish me.
Here’s the list of issues that I faced within the first two months of owning her: Doors wouldn’t close, displays froze, wouldn’t charge, rattle noises, broken camera, messed-up tires, broken air conditioner, loose body panels, rear windows and lights wouldn’t work, loud clunking noises when I
raced people accelerated hard, and sometimes the motor would let out a high pitched noise that sounded like Mariah Carey when she sang “Emotions,” two minutes and forty six seconds into the song.
I’ve owned Teslas since 2013 and had enough experience with their vehicles to know that this wasn’t typical. This was an isolated case of Judith trying to repay my good deeds with not-so-good issues. She was playing with my emotions! I give to charity! I pay my taxes on time! I floss regularly…not only before a dentist appointment! I didn’t deserve this!!
Tesla repeatedly tried to fix the issues but could not come up with permanent fixes. This left me with a problematic Judith who reminded me of one of those kids that you see on the show “Scared Straight” who came from a good family but made some bad decisions. I couldn’t find an inmate named “Carlos the Killa” to scream into Judith’s grill to scare her into working right, so I had to take the next best option— I filed a case to have her classified as a lemon. After a few weeks of negotiating, Tesla and I settled the case where Tesla gave me a full refund for the vehicle, and I had to return the car to them within three weeks.
Now, Judy’s gone and I’m waiting to decide what my next car purchase will be. I loved my Model S, but am not in love with the updated design. I loved the Model X more than any car that I’ve ever owned, but I wouldn’t want to encounter the same issues again. I want a 2009 Mercedes SL63, but a two seater convertible isn’t a great idea for me right now. So now we wait…
During the ten months of ownership, Judith was fun and I kinda miss her in the same way that you kinda miss your crazy ex who made your life a nightmare when you were together so you had to file a restraining order on them.
I miss you, Judith. Come back. Never mind. Don’t. You’re crazy. Crazy in an exciting, “I hope you don’t kill me” kinda way.