The Most Perfect [Disgusting] Cupcake

Earlier this year, I decided that the cupcake might be one of the most perfect desserts in existence because they’re portable, reasonably priced,  adorable, and they taste great! I mean, what can be more perfect to eat than a portable cake?!  In this day and age, the world needs more perfect things like ergonomic, delicious, handheld, aesthetically-pleasing cakes and I decided to give myself the important role of finding the most perfect cupcake in existence.
In order to find this perfect cupcake, I planned an event at my house and invited a few of my homeys. I sent invitations for the first annual “CUPCAKE CONTEST” and shared all of the information that everyone needed to know to attend this very important event:
  • The Goal: To find the best cupcake in existence, scored numerically in the areas of taste, presentation, and creativity
  • The Plan: Bring a dozen cupcakes to my house on the specified contest date
  • The Prize: $50 Amazon Gift Card for the person who brings the best cupcake
  • The Process: Everyone will receive one of each type of cupcake, which must be scored in each of the three categories

Since the goal of the event was to find the best available cupcake, I took the task very seriously and sketched the schematics for the cupcake that I would present on behalf of myself and Society. I eventually decided on a burger-like cupcake that included different unique parts that can be re-assembled to form the perfect, custom cupcake experience for the person eating it.

The cupcake included both buttercream and cream cheese icing, so the person could choose whichever icing they preferred. Then it included both white cake and a brownie, so it would appeal to everyone, whether they preferred chocolate or vanilla. Finally, as a garnish, there was shredded coconut since coconut makes most sweet desserts better.
When the day of the event came, everyone showed up at my house and brought a dozen of their finest cupcakes, but first there was a time of preparation. We prepared our appetites with food, which included Chick-fil-A meals, hot dogs, chicken, snacks, and a charcuterie board. Then we prepared our brains by playing a couple of really intense and hilarious games (imagine having the word “COVID-19” for Pictionary). Then after we were fully prepared, we began the main event to find the world’s best cupcake.
Each person received a scorecard and a cupcake box that held the different cupcakes that had to be evaluated. For each of the twelve cupcakes, we assessed a score between 1 and 10 in the categories of taste, presentation, and creativity.  After all of the completed scorecards were collected, the categories were tallied to find the winner of the contest. I had high hopes that we would finally discover the world’s best cupcake, but things went very awry.
I carefully designed the day to find the best cupcake, but what I failed to realize was that no one wants to eat twelve super-sweet cupcakes in one sitting. After I tasted the third cupcake, I was absolutely tired of consuming sweets and my tastebuds could no longer distinguish the difference between flavors. After eating small pieces of cupcakes four through six, my mouth went numb and I could no longer distinguish the differences between textures. After eating tiny bites of cupcakes seven through nine, I didn’t want to taste another cupcake in my life. After eating small crumbs of cupcakes ten through twelve, I hated cupcakes with a passion and didn’t want to see another one for the rest of my life. Most of the other people agreed that a case of cupcakes was simply too much to consume in one sitting, even if you ate a bite of each. In the end, my cupcake won, but only because it received the highest score in the creativity category.  It was a bittersweet win.  Cupcakes are terrible.
The contest failed to meet its purpose and it probably gave everyone nightmares about cupcakes for weeks.  But even though the cupcake contest was a failure, the rest of the day was an amazing success and we all enjoyed it.
Learn from my mistakes and don’t try to find the best cupcake in the world. Just enjoy random cupcakes, be content, and move on with your life.
If you’re going to binge-eat anything, don’t let it be cupcakes.  Chicken, on the other hand….